Counting it all joy...

Still standing

2008-10-15T16:51:00.002-05:00

Hi all. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me. I'm doing pretty good, lurking on a lot of blogs, following your stories keenly and wishing you nothing but the best. I may not be blogging as I used to but this community & all the friends I made are never far away from my thoughts & prayers. Just thought I'd drop a line to say thank you & may the Lord perfect all that concerns you & yours in Jesus name. Amen.

Happy hump day. :)

Summer of 2008

2008-08-27T16:23:00.003-05:00

Summer of 2008 is over in less than a week. I started it with a die hard spirit that I was going to enjoy life through a different set of eyes and I did. All the graduations and family reunions in May were a real breath of fresh air. In the midst of that, DH and I agreed that our next IV cycle will be strictly between the two of us and God; just because..... and yes, that exclusion included this blog, so confession time - I have had an IVF cycle. My best stim cycle ever.

Stimmed for 21 days
Egg retrieval was aparently quite eventful. I started snoring midway through and had to be "knocked out" a little more. Ended spending an additional hour in recovery.
18 eggs retrieved, 14 fertilized. 9 available for day 3 transfer with questionable quality. Transferred 6 and the 4 leftover didn't make to to freezer quality on day five
I'm giving myself PIO injections, how gangsta is that
Work colleague using same clinic informs me they have a BFP with twins... I'm dreaming of playdates. (one twin didn't make it)
20th of August: 2ww is over. POAS. I see one pretty pink and one "is that pink?" line. Go in for Beta. 36 is the number. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. This is the best anniversary present anyone could wish for
22nd of August: Beta number 2 = 45 Not good
25th of August: Beta number 3 = 25 Really not good. Praying for an outright miracle
27th of August: Beta number 4 = 10. That sucks

I was a pregnant woman for a couple of days and oh the castles I had built in those beautiful days. I feel awful. Even before my beta news, I've been reevaluating blogging because its been therapeutic but I also find that it's also made me lose my innocence and naivete. I wish I didn't know about all the things that can go wrong in the process of babymaking but now I do. TMI. I'll miss the company but at this stage I'm not sure if I will continue updating this blog or reading others. I'm praying for you guys & really looking forward to hearing the stories, sharing the joys & comforting in the pain but I'm not sure if that is a path to continue on. I've already become so jaded about the process, I don't want to become even more so. It's hard to exercise the innocent faith of a child and believe the possibilities when your natural mind is so full of scientific facts that all point to the road "Impossible". I need to revaluate the higher purpose of this blog & if it doesn't have one, it's got to go.

So that's summer of 2008 gone. At least now I know exactly what being pg feels like. (I think). In all my prayers, I always felt in my heart that the breakthrough that I need from God was getting pregnant. Didn't think that staying pregnant was on the list as well. Have a good night & God bless

On the news tonight

2008-08-19T08:42:00.002-05:00

A couple of news items have forcefully yanked my attention lately & I just fee the need to share

Sue your RE for success. My opinion of this woman / couple ranges from "moron" to "really silly moron"
Putting your money where your (trash talking) mouth is , or maybe not
Standing angel. You may find it a bit morbid but I really like the attitude. It's like "I'm still standing y'all"
"Stillborn" baby found alive in morgue fridge dies. Excuse my french but WTF WTF WTF are you kidding me? I'll go postal on someone if I was the mother
This is not really news but you have to check out this picture, it is so cute (okay I'll include a spoiler, it's 2 sets of triplets and a set of quads born in the same hospital around the same time having a playdate).

I must confess that my blogland character has been more lurker than blogger but... I'll be back someday somehow & really missing Alison. I hearted her but I really understand her decision. Like Ecc3:5 says, "there's a time to embrace and there's a time to refrain". In taking our IF struggles online (via public or private blogging) we encounter a beautiful support group that guides through the darkest of the dark times. The trick is balance. Sometime blogland comes to take the place of real life interactions and a lot more emotional interaction is done online at the expense of our real life relationships. For me I found that blogging at different times has been therapeutic, obsessive & even a little destructive. What I've tried to find is balance & peace & the ability to share both in my blog & in real life. My 2 cents, if no one in your life knows some or all of what IF is taking from you but everyone on your blogroll does; it's time to step away from the keyboard & reconnect with RL & find a balance. I know I had to do that. Lest I continue rambling, I SHALL step away from the keyboard now.

no cupcakes :(

2008-08-01T21:22:00.002-05:00

aargh! it appears cupcake was shooting a night scene and there was no way I was going to turn my 8-to-5 into 8-to-11 just for a peek. ah well so close but yet so far. I shall comfort myself with the thought that we walked the same lot & breathed the same air (thanks for the positive spin Sara) and maybe even watch reruns of "the rock".

IVF has been in the news for a while. Latest is this. 70-year old eggs nonetheless. No further comment from this end

Have a great weekend.

of cupcakes et al

2008-07-31T09:02:00.003-05:00

This cupcake to the right will be shooting a movie in my parking lot today..........(sigh!!!!). I haven't caught a glimpse & I'm already star-stuck. In my dreams, the movie director is so struck by my unique ethnic look that he asks me to be an extra on the movie. Still in my dreams but you know what they say, dreams die first.

So if anyone is looking for me, tell them I'm off to stalk Nicky Cupcake in the parking garage.

I know that I've been a bad, bad, naughty, naughty, bad girl blogger but... nothing new on the IF scene + I've had guests in and out of my house since May which has been really nice & distracting. I promise, if I can get photographic evidence of me plastered sickenly all over Nicky, I shall post. Now if only they can get me a piece of Denzel with a side order of T.Cruise to-go.

Exciting new information

2008-07-22T13:52:00.002-05:00

My SIL called me today with some new & exciting information she wanted to share.

Apparently she met a lady who had difficulties ttc, went through lots of tests and then met this real smart doctor who told her she wasn't ovulating and gave her a wonder pill. Voila! she became pregnant and had a baby and is now trying for a second on. SIL was really excited to hear that a drug like this existed and was wondering if I'd heard about it or would like to give it a try. (Oh the bliss of ignorance!) I gently told her that the drug was in fact called clomid and yes I've heard of it and yes I even tried a few pills TWO years ago. She was so excited to know that things like this happen (that's how people who conceive in first month of trying and have 2 kids in 2 years think), I didn't want to burst her bubble and tell her that there's even some bigger technological guns out there like say injectibles and IUI and IVF. She'd probably pass out.

Really, ignorance is bliss.

10 under 10

2008-07-21T14:07:00.003-05:00

I'm a cheapskate! Let's get that out of the way. If it's cheap, I heart. If it's free, I heart even more. Here's my list of 10 things under $10 that have made me smile broadly (or grin foolishly) in the last couple of weeks.

Face loofah from W@lm@rt: Got this for less than $2 and I tell you, it beats all the expensive creams that have sand in them and are labelled exfoliators. I waxed my eyebrows for the first (and last) time 10 days ago and I broke out badly. The bumps finally dried off and left me with eeewwy dry skin. In comes my loofah. Gentle scrub and I swear my skin looks so good this morning, I just had to testify
Let down the hem: I'm around 5ft 8 and the 5ft of this is my arms and legs. My pants coupled with my boyish (read straight & skinny) figure tend to give me the m1cheal jacks0n look. So everytime I put on weight, my butt comes out and my hem goes up. Finally decided to give the whole alteration business a shot viz my drycleaner who charged me $10 per pant for this and I thot "you thieving rogue you!" But... I tried on my altered pants today. I'm so happy I could cry. These pants were already in my donate to charity bag & voila! I have a new pair of nice pants. Guess that "thieving rogue" is going to be seeing a lot more of me and the highwater members of my wardrobe
itunes download: I downloaded & have been channeling these songs ($0.99 each) Big Daddy Weave's "Hold me Jesus" and Casting Crowns "East to west". Total tugging on my heartstrings. "Surrender don't come natural to me, I'd rather fight you for something that I don't really want than to take what You give that I need. And I've hit my head up on so many walls, I'm falling on my knees ..... so hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been king of my glory come and be my prince of peace."
Reusable shopping bags: Seem to be the buzz lately. I've got two & I feel good about it. Best part, FREE. From here and the company that packs those organic salads sold in stores whose name I can't remember right now
Mediterranean gyro lunch at the food court: all of $7.50 buys me happiness on a styrofoam plate. I just tried the mediterranean food thing in June, and I don't know why I kept away for so long. I'm hooked. I tried a greek restaurant in town and their $$ food tasted like crap next to my food court fare. I heart good food on the cheap.

and that's my list. I know the title said 10 but that's because I think 10 under 10 sounds better than 5 under 10. My cheapskate alter ego is always looking for cheap thrills to add to my list of cheap thrills. Got any? Bon Soir & enjoy God's sun & laughter this season.

Converstion with my office buddy

2008-07-03T23:28:00.002-05:00

I have an office buddy who I will call Grumpy (cuz he really is a grump ole man :) ) He comes into my office like 20 minutes each day & we both have "enlightening" coversations about life & bosses and any other thing worth gripping about. His boss also happens to be the colleague that I unexpectedly met at my REs with his wife (meaning they're also ttc). Lets call the colleague X shall we? Here's a transcript of my Wednesday afternoon conversation

Grumpy: Is X's wife pregnant?
Me: Why are you asking me? (I have a tendency to answer most questions with a question of my own)
Grumpy: Because you're a woman and she's a woman
Me: Do you really think I have the personal gynacological state of every woman in this city?
Grumpy: No I was just thinking..... oh never mind. It's just that X's taken some time off to see the doctor
Me: Hmmn
Grumpy: I know they trying to have a baby and he's been going to the doctor's a lot. I think if that's what they want they should be spending more time at home and not in the doctor's (a misguided attempt at lecherous humour I believe)
Me:(in more polite words than this - but only slightly) you obnoxious old man, do you know that I go to the same clinic for the same reason
Grumpy: (Reverse screeching away from his faux pas) No I....
Me: Babies don't come that easy & you shouldn't make light of a matter that's so serious & sensitive for some of us
Grumpy: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

and I know he didn't. I'm not sure I've always been built to be unfazed by such conversations but on this day, I just bit his head off literally and we moved on to other topics. It didn't hurt like it might have in a different situation with a different person(?) because the truth of the matter is if the statistics say 12% of couples will have some difficulty with conception, that means there's an 88% out there with varying degrees of cluelessness about IF who due to their cluelessness are sometimes afflicted by diarrhea of the mouth. 88% of 6 billion people on our happy planet is 5.3 billion people. By shear coincedence at least one of those 5.3 billion will have to cross my path sooner or later.

Since my family reunion in May, God has been working a wonder in my heart. He's reminded me of who I really am & I am finding myself all over again. Somewhere in the ruckus of ttc while others around me were dropping babies by the dozens, I lost my sense of who I was and defined myself only in the failure of my attempts to be a mother. But being with my family again helped me remember that I'm sister, daughter, wife, employee & a lot of other things that I'm proud of & happy about. My everyday thoughts have gone from 95% baby-related to say 62% baby-related. It's not the ultimate, but its progress & its good progress that makes the (wait for my cliche now..) grass seem greener & the birds chirp louder & the bird poo on my windshield more windshield wiper-resistant.

Happy 4th of July y'all. :)

Have you found my self control?

2008-06-30T21:19:00.002-05:00

If you find my self control wondering down the streets of your neighbourhood, please send him back home.

REASON: I'm signed up for a long distance masters in engineering. Yep. I have my exams in 3 weeks. The last time I wrote an academic exam was August 1999. Needless to say there's a lot of cobwebs to dust off. I booted my computer with the aim of one hour of study. I achieved one hour of blogging instead. If you find Mr Self-Control, please tell him to come home. Please!!!!

I missed it

2008-06-26T13:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my 100th post and I didn't even notice it .... sheesh. But then again, I'm not sure I could have come up with a better way to commemorate it than all the good news that was around.

Welcome to the world

2008-06-24T12:46:00.004-05:00

Welcome to the world William Isiah Marshall. My heart has been looking forward to meeting you.

There's so much good news & BFPs going on on my blogroll, I don't know where to start :)

Ms Elaine's got a not-so-secret BFP.
Alison's triphasic (I have no idea what that means but I like the word) chart is another bit of good news - BFP
Jen's got two tests that say pregnant. YaY!
and Mel.... cloud nine baby! BFP!

So let's just say today was a good day for me to catch up on my blog reading.

Hope (redefined) is my blogroll going from 1/34 to 15/34 with baby or expecting baby. It's not such a far fetched idea afterall. Miracles are happening everyday all around me & my blog buddies are always in my thoughts & prayers

Alison, Jill & Hope love you guys & praying for you & me; for us that we'll roll to the other side of the blogroll sooner rather than later. :) In the meantime, this is my mantra for this summer.. rock & party like it's 2008.... wait a minute, it IS 2008 (a shrink will call that drowning my anxiety in activity but I prefer to call it rock & party like it's 2008)

* * * * * * * * * *

Update

One more YAY for JJ's BFP.

adventures with my belly

2008-06-23T00:00:00.002-05:00

No not the obvious, I'm talking dancing belly here or rather my version of it. I had my first belly dancing lesson on saturday morning. I was really quite excited with visions of my svelte flexible self, but alas the lesson confirmed that which I have always known: This black girl cannot dance. Not at all. In all honesty, I was about as graceful as a gorilla on skates. You know how adults tell their gawky teenager who is all arms and legs that they'll grow into their bodies? They lied. I don't think my body has quite caught up with my arms yet. But, I shall prevail. Next week is another date the luscious Lauren. In the interim, I think all that belly movement had AF running for the exit. Gd nite yall & how's your summer shaping up? :)

Summer 2008

2008-06-16T10:39:00.003-05:00

I'm stating the obvious, its summer 2008. I don't remember anything about the last couple of summers because my whole focus was on "baby making". Well, I am planning to make this a summer for me. Yep me! I want to look back at this summer and know that I had a life outside of my lower regions & issues. Along that line, this blog will drift towards things that are not IF-related. My choice. Will let you know how it goes, starting with the belly dancing classes I'm trying to talk myself into signing up for now :) Picture me in a strong musky perfume with bits of silk draped over my bootylicious bode.

it's a tag! it's a tag!!

2008-06-12T12:48:00.002-05:00

you must know by now that I love tags; so thanks Alison and here we go

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): Bussy & Honey & my big sis
C - Cake or Pie: Cake, prefarably with a layer of cream in the middle
D - Day of Choice: any work-free day
E - Essential Item: minty lip gloss
F - Favorite Color(s): green
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy bears - Har1bos only
H - Hometown: Lagos
I - Indulgence(s): massages, facials, french silk flavor edy's ice cream
J - January or July: January
K - Kids: someday, someday. Watch this space!
L - Life is incomplete without: knowing God
M - Marriage Date: 23 August. I actually had to pause to remember that. Shameful!
N - Number of Siblings: Five
O - Oranges or Apples: depends on georaphical location - oranges in America, apples in Africa
P- Phobias or Fears: height, reptiles, driving over bridges where I can see the water below
Q - Quote: “okay”
R- Ring size: Lets just say I have a second ring to hold my "2-sizes bigger" wedding ring in place
S - Season: Fall
T- Tag 3 Friends: why limit it to 3? consider yourself tagged if you haven't done this yet. I love reading the different responses
U - Unknown fact about me: ok, i've spent the last 30 minutes thinking about this and nothing comes to mind. Go figure!
V - Very favorite stores: Macy's, Express, Outlets & discount stores
W - Worst Habit: Sucking my lip & tongue
X-ray or Ultrasound: Devil or the deep blue sea you ask? I prefer neither except for happy reasons
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): any cakey or ice creamy dessert
Z - Zodiac: Capricon

The stork's working overtime

2008-06-10T14:04:00.004-05:00

Please go say a big hello to Farah. Austin "Mini" Vann has arrived and is as cute as a button.

Amy also just received a happy package from the stork

and Invisible Woman :)

Thank you for all the supportive comments I've been receiving. I realise that my posts can come across as petulent and sad and morbid and depressed and whatever else. I don't think my moods are as negative and low as they sound in my blog but maybe I'm in denial :) Either way, thank you for your kind comments.

Hello sunday

2008-06-08T21:47:00.002-05:00

It's sunday and CD38. Yep, I've been patient and hopeful with minor nauseous feelings. A long time ago, I promised myself that I will not POAS until I got real intense pregnancy symptoms. I've broken that promise several times and today adds one more to that number. I peed on the most sophisticated piece of technology and came up with a 2 letter phrase starting with "Not". I think I actually prefer pink lines. The words are so harsh after the most intese 3 minutes. (sigh). Guess all that nausea is from being back on metf0rmin. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

After my hope-crushing POAS moment I went to church praying God will really just send a word to me because I could fell myself skating on the thin ice despair & despondacy. The choir sang this Dewayne Woods song that was just what I needed

I couldn't seem to fall asleep; There was so much on my mind

Searching for that peace; But the peace I could not find

So then I kneeled down to pray; Praying help me please

But then He said you don’t have to cry Cause I’ll supply all your needs

As soon as I stop worrying, Worrying how the story ends

I let go and I let God; Let God have His way

That’s when things start happening

When I stopped looking at back then; I let go and I let God, Let God Have his way

There’s so much going on Sometimes I can’t find my way And often times I struggle

Struggle from day to day I have to realize that it’s not my battle Not my battle to fight

I have to know if I put it in your hands Everything will be alright

I especially like the line in the chorus on when I stop worrying about how the story ends. Yes, I am worried about how my story will end or rather how it's being continued and I want to let go & let God but I don't know how I'm supposed to do that. I'm sure that does not mean adopt an "I don't care attitude." So how do I "let go and let God" while continuing my treatments? How can I be committed in an unworried way? Live a full life and wait on God at the same time? Continue exploring options to fulfill my dreams of having my own child and at the same time be still and know that He is God? I'm stumbling towards the answers. I don't know how to get my answers but all I do know is I'm making progress. I'm in a better place than I was last year and that I know is the grace of God.

What color is your cross?

2008-06-05T11:57:00.003-05:00

I remember an analogy my dad once made at a bible study. Everyone carries a cross through life. The crosses may be made of different materials, but everyone has one. The man (woman) with the wooden cross may envy the person with the gold cross thinking “oh if only I had a nice, shiny, expensive 24kt gold cross like xxx…” but what he doesn’t realize is that the gold cross weighs a lot more and is a bigger burden to carry. The lesson: the person you envy has their own stuff they’re dealing with too. Or as they say in suburbs, the grass is greener on the other side. Allow me to digress and make a (very anal) engineer’s analogy. A cross, the size of an average woman will have the following weights for different materials

Bamboo – 35 lbs. I can carry this with one hand. Mold magnet
Maple – 75 lbs. Good quality wood and termites think so too
Bronze – 850 lbs. Don’t want this in the Olympics but at least its shiny
Silver – 1049 lbs. A little heavy, may tarnish, Needs regular polishing
Gold – 1932 lbs. Eat your heart out world. I may be stooped but its 24kt
Platinum – 2140 lbs. Ah, the good stuff. It’s value will pay for the multiple back surgeries incurred from lifting it

My (father’s) point: All crosses have their value and weight in a reverse relationship. That was the prelude to today’s post.

For a portion of our vacation, DH went to Boston to visit with his brother. We met up in Boston 3 days later and while catching up on family gist, he mentioned that BIL’s wife was pregnant and due in August. I kept my façade of interest but inside I slipped into “why me?” mode. This is a couple that got married 5 months after we did and this is their third pregnancy AND they spent the first 18 months of marriage on two different continents with less than 3 months of vacations together and still managed 2 pregnancies in that time apart. How can some be so fertile and I’m here struggling for just one. Just one! As I slipped into self-pity + envy mode, God brought the above analogy to my mind regarding BIL’s wife. Then I remembered that her first pregnancy was 9 months of love and care and hours in labour with no baby to show for it. The baby didn’t make it. When I visited for the baptism of the second baby, I noticed she had a book on dealing with child loss on her bookshelf. Then I tried to imagine what it’s like to be in her position. How that first experience has left permanent scars in her heart. With every pregnancy, no matter how uneventul, she probably spent every day in fear until she has a baby she can take home. And with that, my (judging) heart realises that she has paid her dues for the the joy of motherhood. Who am I to envy her and to assume that my cross of IF is more important than the cross of fear she has to carry in her heart with every day of her two subsequent pregnancies?

I believe that throughout their lives, every woman who is or wants to be a mother carries a cross for her child(ren). The nature of the crosses may be different, but we all carry them at sometime or the other. Then I looked around me and realised every woman around me has a cross-story to tell. We all have our scars – some are deeper, some are longer – but in the end, scars are scars.

And truth be told, I’d rather carry my cross of IF, knowing that one day I shall drop it and pick up a child in my arms, than carry the cross that my BIL’s wife had to carry. I don’t think my heart can take it. What do you think? Do I have a point or am I just full of BS?

Vacation's over

2008-06-01T19:57:00.002-05:00

My nice, long vacation to NE USA is over and the family has three more graduates. Loads of fun and I actually had a lot of posts in my head just waiting to be given life. Got in this evening and I decided to check my mails before blogging and next thing I know I heard a "TWACK!!" - the sound of a curve ball hitting me on the head in the form of a 45-hundred $ bill from the hospital where I had my ER & ET. How is that possible? Without insurance, the two procedures are 2650, with insurance, I paid 850. Ok my 17 years of elementary + high school + college maths may make me a little deficient in the addition and subtraction side of life but how do you milk 4500 out of those numbers. Now I know I'm going to toss & turn all night until I can call whoever sent me this bill. I really cannot believe this is happening... talk about curveball

On a happier note, I can cross the following things off my bucket list

Travel across country by train - Done
Survive 29-hour train journey with DH - Done (& I can't believe we didn't squabble till the very end)
See the empire state building, times square & central park - Done
Travel on NY subway - Done
Drive a car onto a real ferry - Sort of Done - I was a passenger
Get over my fear of flying - Hmmn! Hard to do in a small plane with a pilot who seems to have only tried his hand at flight simulator. I speculated with the lady beside me that we may have unwittingly entered an episode of the reality show "So you think you can fly?" I'll give this one another shot

And to crown the vacation, I went to the mall today to wax off my moustache (thanks PCOS) and decided to go to VS for a bra fitting - mainly because I took off my shirt in front of my sisters and they started hooping and hollering "you've got br3asts" because my "girls" were apparently spilling out of my 32A pushup apparatus. I have noticed that recently my clothes are shrinking again, my bra cups have also shrunk and I find myself having to scoop the "girls" in every morning. Well world, say hello to the newest 36B mamaa. In the world of boobie-ambitions, I had hoped that one day with the help of pregnancy and breastfeeding, I will be able to fill a 34B and here I am today a 36B without silicone, foam or tissues! If you've never lived female adult life with barely existent mammary organs (forgive me, I'm trying to use all the synonyms that will ensure this website doesn't show up in some wierd g00gle search) you cannot fully comprehend my joy and excitement. I feel like climbing a rooftop and singing "I'm everywoman" with helicopter floodlights shining on me and a live orchestra playing. :) Good night

PS: Thanks for checking up on me Jill. Much appreciated :*)

1st law of thermodynamics

2008-05-20T00:37:00.003-05:00

The first law of thermodynamics is summarised thus; “energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but can be transformed from one form to another”
I've been a little off lately. Can't put my finger on it but i know something's a little off. A good chunk of that is tied to the emotional and financial strain of IF. After my cancelled cycle in November, I got a partial refund which I put in a savings account. Our annual bonuses also went into same account. By March, I felt good about my coming ivf cycle because I had 90% of the required fees in my savings account and close to zero balance on my cards. Fast forward to today. Savings account is zeroed and I'm carrying a huge balance and facing the possibility of another IVF cycle in June/July. I've calculated and recalculated and it's just not adding up. Yes I'm a little down and off and freaked out.
I was having a cuddly moment with DH this evening and I thought; all we need is a baby to make all this financial and emotional blues disappear. Then I remembered the first law of thermodynamics can be applied to life. I realised that what I spend on an IVF cycle is what my sis pays in private school pre-k fees for her baby. That financial requirement will never go away but it can be transformed from one need to another. What I'm spending on IF solutions today, I will eventually spend on diapers, formula and education for my kids tomorrow. No a baby will not solve my financial dilemma. I need to just get it together and think smarter not harder. Make smarter decisions; and remember that I can't do this on my own. Unless the Lord builds a house, their labour is in vain that build it. Anybody can work hard but it's God that gives the blessing of working smart and enjoying this life regardless of the issues demanding my emotional and financial attention.
Another abstract grace-post; another product of blogging at 1am in the morning. Happy Tuesday.

My man Augur

2008-05-19T16:33:00.002-05:00

It was a few years ago when I first read the words of Augur viz Proverbs 30: 15b & 16

"There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!':

the grave,
the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water, and
fire, which never says, 'Enough!"

It's amazing the gamut of human living, experiences and emotion that the bible covers in one way or another. I understand this hunger. I just got myself a PDA/toy, I'm focusing on enjoying life and the relationships I have. I'm going on vacation to NY this week and planning to have a blast. I seem to be getting on with life. But sometimes, I notice that I'm rubbing my belly in that gentle way that pregnant women rub theirs except ... there's an obvious difference. I wonder how Mr Augur understood.

Question: If I visit Times Square in NY, what exactly am I supposed to do there? Any advise?

a post from a girl who can resist "memes"

2008-05-18T14:33:00.003-05:00

Though heavily introverted IRL, I cannot pass up an opportunity to talk about myself in blogland :)

4 Things I did 10 Years Ago (1998) - How am I supposed to remember that far back?

Had a 21st birthday party. My first party since my 10th. I spent months dreading the thought of having a party and being the center of attention; but in the end I pulled it off. Wore a peach dress that made me look totally cute and female. Vastly different from my everyday jeans & shirt uniform
Got my first job as a drilling engineer intern with this company
They had such a good cafeteria in the office and on the oil rigs that I put on a chunk of weight and for the first time in my life, I hit the 40kg (80lb) mark. I was sooooo happy
Got involved in campus politics and ran around campus campaigning for a friend's student union presidency bid. He lost!

4 Things I did 5 Years Ago (2003) - Now that I can remember vaguely

Took my first vacation as a working girl - spent 6 weeks in London, UK; Baltimore, Houston, Atlanta & New Jersey. Total fun. Single, young & carefree. I look back with nostalgia.
Gave up on THAT relationship where the young man has commitement-phobia
My "friend" who got to counsel me on all my relationship woes (and I offered equally good assvice in return) became my boyfriend
Took helicopter underwater escape training as part of the job. What does this entail - strapped into a helicopter model in the deep end of a pool wearing a lifevest, the helicopter is flipped upside down and you have to unstrap yourself and "escape" out of one of the windows and swim to safety. Pretty tasking even if you can swim. I can't swim. I can't even float. It was VERY scary; but I did it and I learnt two very important lessons that day: 1-I can do a lot of things once I put my mind to it. 2-I will never do that again until I learn how to swim.

4 Things I did Yesterday - now this I definitely remember

Finally got an internet cable subscription for the house
Bought a router from Best.Buy and set up the wifi for house AND realised its really easy to do AND realised I should have saved myself the $70 installation fee and installed the internet thing myself. DUH!
Returned the pile of books I had borrowed for my post-ET bedrest to the public library. I was two weeks late. No good.
Had this flavor of ice cream for the first time. AWESOME!! I had seconds and then some

4 Shows I love to watch - I try to stay away from anything that will induce a hyper-emotional response from me so no Idol and no soap operas

Law & Order:SVU - makes me a bit paranoid, but I can't resist
Will & Grace - easy comedy
Flavor of love - disgustingly silly but I can't look away :)
Throwdown with Bobby Flay - I'm not even sure if that's the name, but I enjoy a lot of the food network's competitive shows

4 things I love to do

sleep - wish I did more of it
shop - would like to do less of it :)
read - I used to be able to read anything, but these days my attention span has limited me to romantic paperbacks that I can get through in a couple of hours
Plan for my early retirement into a lap of luxury (popularly known as daydreaming)

Hope y'all had a good weekend.

it's been so long since I updated my blog

2008-05-14T11:50:00.003-05:00

The good thing about that is almost everyone on my blogroll has a new post so I have a lot to catch up on..... the good, the bad and the mother's day posts. :)

Well I finally had my post-IVF consultation with the doc on monday. Somewhere in that conversation, she dropped the phrases "donor eggs" and adoption. I kid you not, I was a teenager the first time I heard the f-word and understood its meaning and its never been a part of my vocabulary BUT on monday, the only thought ringing in my head was WTF? WTF? WT big F??!! How did I get here? She talked about "architectural abnormalities" in the eggs that are inconclusive based on one cycle but would lead to the aforementioned phrases if they're seen in the next 2 or 3 cycles.

2 or 3 cycles? So DH and I decided to take a second look at this option. And no, its not worth it. It seems I'll have to pay an additonal 2-3k per cycle than if we chugged along out of pocket.

Out of pocket? That's going to take 3-brainloads of financial gymnastics. I'm still try to pay down the balances from last cycle and we may have another cycle in June. *insert banging head on the wall*

So I had one of my famous moments of self pity where I tell DH he'll just have to get himself a new wife in a couple of years if all this doesn't work out. Dear man that he is; looks at me in shock for a few seconds and then hits me with a verbal sledge hammer and proceeds to call me "detective stabler". Fine! I would have preferred something along the lines of "I love you and we're going to pull through this together" but still... I snapped out of that mood fast enough. DH has absolutely no sympathy for self-pity or negativity and me; I have to wallow in them for a few hours (days) before I snap back to "God is bigger than all this" mode.

I know my post sounds a little down, but I'm actually ok now. Even though I don't sound like it, I think that the doc's opinions on my child bearing status are quite irrelevant. The greater the odds, the bigger the miracle... and I always figured out my children were going to be a miracle from God; hence the title of my blog... I kid you not.

And you know what, I've always been a little self righeous - thinking if the cards were flipped and DH had an issue with his swimmers, he wouldn't handle it as well as I've handled all we had to do so far. I alsways figured out his male-ego and cultural background would make him unable to accept children that were not biologically his. Plus all men are supposed to think like that right? Mars & venus etc Women are the ones with the emotional maturity to love any child as if it were their own right?! Oh little one who knows so little!! At this point I'm not even considering donor eggs but the idea has been planted in my head and sneaks into my thoughts when I least expect. And here is when I realise I am not all that I think I am. I can't bear the thought of my daughter not being a little prototype of fantastic me. She can be pretty and smart and I would be absolutely jealous that she didn't get that from my gene pool. That's a messed up way to think but thank God for this IF battle. Every peel of the onion reveals a new layer in me that I didn't know existed. Another mountain to conquer. My empathy for male-factor IF & donor-assisted conception has had a radical growth in the last couple of days. You really need to try on the shoes to understand the pinch.

I'm still praying for my miracle though. Natural or assisted conception - I don't care. I just want it really soon.

Tag you're it

2008-05-05T13:18:00.004-05:00

Jill tagged me. (She just had a great ET). I'm excited and now I have to think of my tag content - 3 random things about me. There's a lot of stuff about me that's random but I'll pick three, one from each decade of my life

10th birthday parties were a big do in my family. There was this children's tv personality that my father got to compere all our parties. For my party I had a princess cake, barbeque, a hand puppet show, live dj and over 300 kids and adults. The only problem; I was such a shy child that I hid in the corner for the duration of the party. I didn't even come out to dance
I spent the 6 years of my secondary school (equivalent of 7th grade to end of high school) in a boarding school. I lived in the school during school term and went home only for midterms and holidays. I loved it. My school was also girls only and there was such a variety in our backgrounds, that's where I learnt to be independent and relate to a wide gamut of people. I always figured out that it was such a life-lesson experience for me that I used to say by the time I was forty, I wanted all my children to be over 10 years old and in boarding school so I could have my house & husband to myself. Life's little ironies eh, I'm 31 so I don't think that's going to work out quite as planned.
I know (almost) every line from the movie "Sound of Music" and if you get me started, I can recite the whole movie for you.

Captain von Trapp: Fraulein is it possible or perhaps I just imagined. Have my children by any chance been climbing .... trees today?

Maria: (nods smiling) Yes Captain!

Captain von Trapp: I see. And where may I ask did they get these..em..these..em? (dangles head scarf with a disgusted look on his face)

Maria: Playclothes!

Captain von Trapp: Oh is that what you call them?!

Maria: I made them. From the drapes that used to hang in my bedroom.

Captain von Trapp: (incredulously) Drapes?

Maria: They still have plenty wear left. The children have been everywhere

Captain von Trapp: Do you mean to tell me that my children have been running around Salzburg dressed up in nothing but some old drapes

Maria: Hmn Hmm (Nods) And having a marvelous time

Captain von Trapp: THEY HAVE UNIFORMS!

Maria: Strait jackets if you'll forgive me blah, blah blah "and they lived happily ever after"

I'll stop now. If you're still reading, consider yourself tagged.

Update #86

2008-05-02T02:32:00.003-05:00

I know I promised, but I'm getting a perverse pleasure for using the word "Update" - maybe it's because it 2:30 in the morning and normal humans are in bed.

This is my 86th post. Nothing remarkable about 86 but I'm too impatient to wait for a round figure and I've been thinking about this post for a while. This is actually dedicated to the first set of wonderful ladies to comment on my blog. My blogroll keeps changing and I'm sure theirs did as well. Who are the people that stay on your blogroll and why? For me, sometimes we're joined by shared circumstances, sometimes by a shared faith and sometimes they just carved themselves a spot in my heart.

So here are my pioneer 7

JJ - Writer extraordinaire and one of the people I consider a pillar of support to a lot of IF bloggers. (You can tell by the number of comments on her blog). She also just became a contributor to Redbook's Infertility Diaries
Becks - Still on by blogroll but with a new site and a new ID. She got me closest to considering acupunture. Close enough to make an appointment but that was as far as I could bravely go. Plus we both love the xmas song "when a child is born" except I like the Boney M version
Dianne - Currently taking a year off ttc. Not a blogroll member
Stephanie - She no longer has a blog off her profile but from her reading list, I'd guess she's now a mommy or on the way there
Tracey - On this journey to be a single mother by choice. We kept up for a while and then just as IRL we drifted apart. Not on my current blogroll
Mary Ellen - I'm not sure anyone can read ME's blog or have her comment on their blog and not fall in love with her. She's just an encouraging angel. She had a major loss this year that really shook me up and I still think about on a regular basis and wonder why. After her loss, she made he blog more private and password protected and is not on my current blogroll
Mony - My favorite Australian. She's now mommy to Little Cooper and posts the most adorable pictures of him. Having followed her journey through ttc, pregnancy, birth and the first few months, her little boy is the cyber-nephew that gives me hope and a smile and a physical evidence that miracles still happen. I rarely comment, but I'm a vey inspired stalker of her blog :)

So there you have it. The first 7 women to welcome me into the neighbourhood with the proverbial cookies and apple pie baked with unconditional acceptance, love & encouragement. Here's a toast to you ladies. This 86th post is dedicated to you.

Wednesday update

2008-04-30T15:15:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "I'm not pregnant". There was so much clarity in the thought. It wasn't a slowly drift awake realisation. One minute I was asleep, the next I was awake, flat on my back and that was the first thought that came into my head. Not sad but factual. And for the first time in almost 3 years, I did crunches. I've used the whole IF thing as my excuse for letting my body go under the guise of relaxing but honestly a woman my size should not be sporting a waist like mine without a baby being in there; so if I can't be a hot momma yet, I'll just have to be a hot chick while waiting because this lack of hotness is just not it.

As usual, with the phone calls of yesterday, I got the good, the bad and the ugly
THE GOOD: My older sister (Dr.B) and childhood best friend have been my really great supporters especially through the last cycle. I sent them a text with the results and told them I couldn't talk & they understood. When I was eventually composed enough to call them, they listened and comforted and talked. Then my younger sister called. She's a "zen" type person that thinks just let nature take it course but we had a really good conversation and she said some really nice things. The one thing my two sisters said which I am taking with me is not to get so uptight about this one thing that I don't have and fail to enjoy the many blessings that I do have.
THE BAD: For DH, his go-to supporters/spiritual mentors are 2 of his younger sisters. The youngest of the two; 25 years old and fresh out of college called me. She read me psalm 2 and quoted some bible verses and made declarations about how I would be pregnant by December. She made me start crying uncontrollably in the office. I'm just glad I could close my door. She meant no harm but her call left me in a really bad state.
THE UGLY: I was very furious after SIL's call. How dare the little girl who knows nothing about life, call me and give me a sanctimonious speech. Those were my thoughts. But on the other hand, I knew it was not done with malicious intent. Was I just being proud or indignant because she's a SIL and not my sister. I called my best friend and repeated the conversation (severly interrupted by gasps, hiccups, nose blowing and other ugly sounds from my end) to get her opinion. She used to pastor our college fellowship so she should know right?! She's told me before and told me again, issues to do with my fertility are like an open sore for me. I am hyper-sensitive and I (sometimes) have a right to be; and on a day like yesterday, when my sore had just been twisted open by a jagged edged knife, I didn't need anyone using me as a sounding board to fulfill their own religious/spiritual smugness. We both talked about times we may have made the same mistakes in the past - unknowingly offering religious platitudes to someone who just needed to feel human comfort. That's just plain wrong and in my opinion shows a lack of wisdom

To everyone on whose blog I have ever made a comment that was more platitude than comfort, please forgive me.

I promise my next post will be of good cheer and will not have "update" in the subject line

Tuesday update

2008-04-29T12:21:00.004-05:00

It's Tuesday and my brain has been informed of what my body already knew... not pregnant. Beta was a 2. A little too low to be considered pregnant. This time yesterday, I would have been enraged, angry at the world; angry at God and seriously looking for things to smash. But I worked myself out of that mood. Now I'm just sad. Sadder still because for the first time, DH and I were really really emotionally invested. So now I'm not just in pain, I'm in more pain because he's hurting too. The thing is IVF is so invasive and took so much out of me. It was easy to tell myself that all the shots and aches and money was for a desired goal; but when that goal comes to naught, it all just sucks. I've been with this body for 31 years now and I know what normal feels like and since we've never been pregnant before, I'm sure I will know when it happens. And two days ago, I woke up and felt "normal", too normal!!

It's really not about me is it? That's what I've been thinking. It's not about eating right, eating organic, exercising, being in the right weight zone, timing the shots with military precision, avoiding alcohol even eating pineapples to aid implantation. Yeah those things matter but in the grander scheme of things, they are pretty irrelevant. Anorexics, smokers & athletes get pregnant & have children without all these life control crap. If I'm going to do all that, I need to do it for me, not for a child whose when is unknown to me.

Talking to my sisters & best friend. Three hours ago I had my crying fit but now my tears are dried up. I can't believe how fast they dried up. A part of me feels like I'm betraying the child that isn't; that my grief should go on for longer. I know DH and I will grieve over this, but we're already pulling out of it and looking to the future with hope. It's not shallow, it's just c'est la vie. Now I just need to see if I can convince him to let me get a dog or two.

A few learning points

Don't go for a beta on an empty stomach. It makes your veins harder to find and intensifies any negative emotions that may come out of the process.
If you go to an ATM and can't withdraw cash after getting a BFN, do not backup the car more than 10 feet, you will run into the garbage can and add to the collect of scratches on your rear fender.

I never thought I would need medical assistance to have a child, I never thought I would get to the IVF stage, I never imagined I would be a multiple IVFer. What next?

more resting

2008-04-25T11:05:00.003-05:00

In a semi upright position. I am officially closing my OHSS-watch today. Because I've had it twice, I've been watching out for signs of ovarian hyperstimulation by taking my weight daily, measuring my waistline daily, consciously eating more proteins and downing gat0rade ever so often. My post retrieval stats were 139lbs & waist 34. Today I'm at 136lbs and waist 32 inches (ok ok 32.5) which is my pre-retrieval status so I think I'll get off the OHSS watch today. Thank God for that mercy.

The last two nights, I've had some feelings down there similar to very mild menst.ru.al pain. I wouldn't have noticed it but for the fact that I'm of course looking out for implantation signs ... could that be it? I'm quite calm on the outside but I assure you my brain cells are biting their fingernails or what's left of them. The clinic fixed my PT for tuesday which is 14days post trigger. I wonder why so early but... all I need to do now is survive this weekend and then survive monday and go test on Tuesday. At least chatting with my uncle is distracting me but not for long. I have so much mentally & emotionally riding on this one. DH too. I've never felt like this before. Hope & faith are my only options.

I have that feeling up my nose that signifies the onset of flu symptoms in a couple of days *insert rolling of the eyes* like I need that now. I need to occupy my mind with something, anything. Actually not anything... good things. I think I'll just have to make do with my midday nap.

resting on

2008-04-24T14:43:00.004-05:00

you know what? the Cleopatra lounging concept popularly known as bedrest in the medical field works a lot better if you actually have an army of say twenty servants available to fan you & feed you grapes and adjust the air conditioning. That would have been great. I'm trying my utmost best to bed rest. No sudden movements. I get up only for bathroom breaks, hooking up the laptop, fixing my breakfast, fixing my lunch, load duvet into dryer.... I'm not exerting myself but today I noticed that when I'm on my feet for longer than 5 minutes, there's a little lightheadedness setting in. I don't know if that a PIO effect of just from being horizontal for too long. (PS doc actually recommended 1 day of bedrest so the other 2 days are just thrown in by me to ensure I take things easy)

I'm praying for my tenants everyday. Right now I don't really care about numbers, anything between 1-3 babies will do. I am so amazed at what God has used IF to do in my life and I finally admitted to myself that 2 years ago, I was in no state to build a joyful home for a child. It would have been a good home, but not necessarily joyful but now I know that I will appreciate and marvel at every little wonder of the world with my child. I understand more the difference between the important stuff and the trivial stuff ... I won't be sweating the small stuff.

How have I been filling the hours? Quite frankly I've been stalking all of y'all's blogs. Can't online shop at a time like this - I'm about to close down my freak credit card which will limit my credit purchasing power by 40% so.... Haven't turned on the tv all day because I'm just not a tv person per se. I have a few ebooks stored on the laptop for my recreational use ;). I shall go off now for lunch, read some brain candy and be back to stalk you soon. Please feel free to post on the hour every hour :)

UPDATE: My uncle just flew in from Houston on his annual visit the "family in the US" trip. I've had to drag myself off the couch and out of PJs into something a little more suburban. & honestly the duvet was for the guest room. We haven't washed it since SIL and her baby left.

We're home

2008-04-22T18:38:00.002-05:00

So today's the d-day - transfer that is
06:40 Get out of bed & wrap PIO in hot towel & shower
07:10 The usual PIO shot with DH - me screaming into a pillow & him giving me a helluva hip massage after. Not so usual, I think he was too close to the bone so there was a liitle more pain
07:50 Make breakfast and start on a big pot of sauce to take us through my bedrest period. Realise I've run out of meat stock. Decide to go to the grocery store that's further away from the house & closer to the mall :)
09:28 I don't know how it happened, but I'm in the mall. Wherein I realise that normal people are not in the mall at 9:30am & I then I realised that parking is really easy in the mall at 09:30am and THEN I realised that the stores in the mall are not open at 9:30am - oh woman with marshmallows for a brain!!
09:43 Go to grocery store and pick up chicken stock & oranges
09:58 In a not so unusual fit of retail doggedness, I return to the mall, grab a chair & sit outside this store waiting for the gate to go fully up
10:07 Store gates finally go up and I dash in, pick up 2 pairs of pants and start heading home (why did I need to get those pants this morning of all days, I can't say I know why myself)
10:34 Get home and continue with my sauce
11:15 Leave home for clinic. Cutting it close
11:35 Arrive in clinic 5 minutes later than my appointment & sign in
11:40 IVF nurse calls me aside and asks me what I want. Embryo transfer of course. Sorry honey, you're supposed to go to the hospital. Mad dash down the stairs, remember I actually left DH in the lobby, mad dash back to grab him by the arm & race to hospital which thankfully is a 5 minute walk from the clinic
11:50 Check into outpatient & put on THE gown
12:20 Doc comes in. Day 5 results not so stellar. Down to 3 grade 2s and 1 grade 1. She wants us to transfer all 3 grade 2s. We agree.
12:31 Wheeled into the op room & nurse tells me that apparently I was fairly conscious for the retrieval and could follow instructions and move myself onto ops table. I didn't believe her as I remember nothing. She said the anesthesia used is more like a date rape amenesia drug. You're awake enough to follow instructions then the drug just wipes your memory of the process. Hmmn! Interesting! I still don't know if she was pulling my legs
12:48 Its done & doc says she's cautiously optimistic. I'm still holding on to hope & faith. Faith is afterall the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen
14:00 Leave hospital for home
18:35 Relocate for bedroom to couch to blog & continue bed rest. I'm limping badly. The PIO shot location really hurts today. :) I'm gonna be needing a hot towel hip massage.
17:08 DH comes home & yells at me for moving from bedroom to couch :(

It's 3 days of bedrest for me. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

Egg Retrieval Update #3

2008-04-21T10:30:00.005-05:00

By day 3 we were down to 6 embies but 6 great grade 4 & 3 embies (including one that obviously has 90% of his/her father's agressive "i'm in a hurry" genes cause the guy was 5 cell on day 2 & 10 cell on day 3. Kinda like the biggest kid in kindergaten syndrome). According to DH, the alpha-emby is probably saying to the others "guys I've been waiting for 3 years & this woman finally gave me some action, I'm outta here". So everything's cool on that end & transfer is tomorrow.

My bloating is finally going down and I can feel my bladder again :). That's actually how I can tell when I'm bloated and when I'm not. Guess my humongous ovaries are shrinking back to size. My waist is still pretty big though, my largest pair of pants can't be buttoned. I'm learning to live with PIO and its aches. My imagination was definitely worse than the reality. DH's post-injection TLC makes it quite nice as well.

There's a little voice in my head that's telling me it's foolish to feel so excited but I am really so excited, can't explain it, I just am. My brain feels like marshmallows right now, I think I'm zoned out - high on progesterone if any such thing is possible. There's a bit of cramping and discomfort and pain associated with this whole IVF thing, so I must be wierd cause I'm loving it. :) Have a great week yall and I pray that all our hopes & expectations are never cut off in Jesus name. A lot of people on my blogroll are going into or already in the 2ww - you're all in my heart & prayers

PS: In case you haven't noticed, I've obviously just discovered the joy of putting pictures in my post.

PS II: Please stop by Hope's blog & give her a hug. I love her spirit & I think she'll appreciate it right now.

Egg Retrieval update #2

2008-04-18T23:01:00.003-05:00

7 eggs fertilized. I like that number. I was a little worried about what I'd have to do with an excessive number & had been praying about it... so all things are still working out for good. Looks like my doc wants to go for a day 5 transfer. Will get update on my 7 babies tomorrow.

Guess this is a bit abrupt but its close to midnight & the only reason I'm awake is that I'm waiting to take my last antibiotic for the day & medr0l (icky horrible tablet. It took 2 glasses on juice, a swish of mouthwash and a good hard tongue-brushing to get rid of the taste). So the ivf junkie that I have become is currently on

1ml PIO in the morning
1 tetracyclines every 6 hours
1 baby aspirin
1 prenatal vitamin + dha capsule
1 medr0l at bedtime

Good night.

My update - Egg Retrieval

2008-04-18T09:23:00.005-05:00

ER done. After all my nerves & fear, it was actually fun. One minute I was talking to DH pre-ops and the next I heard nurse asking about what type of juice I would like and I mumbled apple juice (I'm a junkie for other people's apple juice. I never buy it for the house but I like it outside) and then I wake up and apparently an hour of my life has gone by without my knowledge and I am 29 eggs lighter (14 mature ones and 15 immature(?) ones). All in all, there was some pain, cramps, nauseous feelings but I won't complain.

Off to clinic for blood flow U/S: apparently they use the wand on me while standing to evaluate how the blood flow to my uterus changes when I'm lying down & when I'm standing. This will determine if I need post transfer bedrest or not. I feel like I shouldn't have too much bedrest, but my mother-hen older sister has been checking ticket prices and says she'll fly down and physically restrain me if I take anything less than a week off work. Truth be told, if I got a week off work, I'd rather be shopping than resting. :)

On another crazy, coincedential, are-they-kidding-me note, my credit union called AGAIN and someone just charge 700 on my credit card AGAIN - the replacement card I received after the last fraudulent use that has only been used for 3 transactions by me the lawful owner. This is ridiculous! I'm going to pay off the balance and close the account... the fraudulent use was in the same store as the last time. If that isn't an inside job, I don't know what is.

And thanks for all the PIO advise. First two shots went ok.

PIO advise

2008-04-16T13:06:00.002-05:00

I need some advise. I kept the meds from my cancelled November IVF including the PIO. I just checked now and realised that it expired on the 5th of this month. Called my nurse and she said its still ok to use. Advise: should I use it or just get a fresh batch?

On a TMI note: I think I can feel my ovaries & follicles. I am that bloated.

what's playing in my head right now

2008-04-15T09:03:00.005-05:00

I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do

They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow

They'll learn much more than I'll never know

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

*****Update*****

I went for U/S and bloodwork lunch time today and guess which song was playing on the radio in the U/S room? "What a wonderful world" by Louis Armstrong. Coincedence: God's anonymous little miracles designed just to make me smile. Things are looking good on the ovarian level. Have +/- 20 follies of harvestable size :). Will update on ER and other matters as soon as I cross this bridge. Pray for me or wish me luck or better still, both.

Picture posts...how can I resist

2008-04-13T18:21:00.000-05:00

As stolen from Farah, the two Alisons, Sara & Amanda.... (This post is over a week old but that's how long it took me to figure out how to line up the pictures)

Here’s the game:Go to Flickr-Type your answer into the “search” box.Pick an image from the first page.Copy and paste answer into blog.

My name is:

My relationship status is:

My favorite color is:

My celebrity crush is:

My favorite princess is:

My favorite adult beverage is:

My dream vacation is:

When I grow up, I want to be:

Friends in familiar places

2008-04-12T12:43:00.005-05:00

"When the enemy comes in like a flood, The Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him." Isaiah 59:19

We're growing! We're growing!! Can I get a yipekaye! :) So in case you haven't figured out, I'm excited. Follies are growing. Did I hear someone say 14mm? That's right, we're rolling again.

Ok, I'll let off now. Why did I quote the verse on top of this post. Well, I'll confess to something stupid I've been doing whenever I go to the clinic. I moved here 18months ago and being an introverted woman married to a homebody man, suffice to say we don't really have any friends in the locale. Ok lets be straight up honest, we have no friends in the city where we live. Whenever I go to the clinic I always look at all the women sitting down thinking "we already have something in common, can't we just be friends?" I finally gave that thought up last week because the present limitations on our fertility are hardly the foundations for friendship. So I turned my mind and focus to other things and handed that little desire for friendship to God. We would you know it, I went for my U/S today and saw my friendly anesthesia person again for the first time since November and we had a ten minute conversation with a third woman. Plus the wife of a colleague comes into the clinic; I'd never met here there before. So I know it sounds small but for me, this morning's face-to-face conversations with other women in the same life phase was really a blessing to me. I'm happy.

Which takes me back to the verse above. For somethings in life, when I stop struggling so hard to get them, then I get them. I guess this must be the thought occupying the void space in some people's brains when they tell you to relax and stop thinking about it and you'll get pregnant. I don't think it works like that for all situations. That concludes my happy Saturday morning. Have a blessed weekend.

Of eggs and chicken

2008-04-10T14:38:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry for numbering the last few posts but these days my thoughts are so random they won't make sense any other way.
U/S & bloodwork done today again. I am

desolate (having a feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn) My biggest follicle is still 11mm. This is my 15th day of stimming

angry (feeling or showing anger or strong resentment) I know I shouldn't be but I am. Really why am I the one going through this. This is really not the script I had written and I know I shouldn't but I wonder why God wrote this script for me. I'm trying to remind myself to trust in His goodness but its really hard some days

Tired (weary or bored) of needles and U/S probes and cancelled trips & vacations, (thats another post) & perpetual optimism

hopeful (a person who shows promise or aspires to success) well some of the smaller follicles did grow & my estrogen level did go up but the big ones didn't move an inch

Can you imagine how many voices are in my head right now???

Before DH & I got married, I used to tease him about his culture which places a lot of emphasis on having a male child and we had a joke "one boy, one jeep". Meaning he would buy me an SUV for every male child I had. Well this morning when we were talking about my appointment with the clinic, he said "one big egg, one jeep". I laughed and said "guess the bar had to be lowered for me" & I guess I just lost an SUV since I had no big egg :(

I hate whiners & whining but I am in a whining mood today. Or as my father will say, I'm feeling sorry for myself. And all this follicle-drama is not helping my diet either. I'm comforting myself with stops at Pop.eyes for some good old fried chicken whenever I leave the clinic. Last time it was 3 spicy legs and today I made it 4 spicy legs. If this doesn't end soon, I know I'm going to be doing a full bucket. YIKES

****DH just called & I gave him clinic update in my self-pity mode. And as usual he put in all in perspective. We are making progress with the follicles. It's slow as the doctor planned this cycle to be, estrogen level has more that doubled which is good. Ok so yes I agree I was having an unneccessary whine-fest. He ended by saying "one jeep for you". He's so sweet & I'm so silly...

The Update II

2008-04-07T16:10:00.004-05:00

It's Monday & I'll still rather be at home

1. Had U/S & bloodwork on saturday and again today.
2. Estrogen still looks a bit low.
3. Still have a bunch of follies. Largest is still 11. No change in 4 days. Not even by 0.1mm
4. Tonight will be 2 vials men0pur + some foll1st1m
5. All is well with my credit card. Just need to get it paid down a little before the second IVF payment is due
6. Hoping and praying this is the last time I get to pay for IVF (for a good reason of course).
7. If you saw a red car fly by you today, that was probably me trying to make the the 10 mile office downtown1 to clinic downtown2 in 5 minutes
8. And no I did not make it in 5 minutes
9. 10 minutes late for the clinic appointment again. I feel so embarassed when I show up late. But I've rarely been early for anything including my wedding
10. I was so late for my wedding that the priest threw a temper tantrum :(
11. This was quite traumatic for DH and he still hasn't recovered from the unpleasantness
12. My muscular wii-sitis is all gone finally.
13. My paranoid mind is wondering if playing wii boxing increased my testoterone which kept my estrogen surpress which is why my bloodwork e is still low. Suffice to say I will not wii again until I get a BFP from this cycle
14. c0ca c0la is addictive. Am struggling to stay away. Memo to self: Water Good, Coca Bad! Pay attention!!
15. Is it too early to be looking forward to the weekend?
16. Need a nap, a massage, a french manicure & a pedicure

Update

2008-04-04T14:23:00.002-05:00

It's friday & I'll rather be at home so this is going to be short & sweet.

Had U/S & bloodwork yesterday.
Estrogen looks a bit low.
Still have a bunch of follies largest is 11.
Upgraded to 2 vials men0pur
Bank refused to let pharmacy in CA accept my credit card. They froze the account
For like 45mins I was in a state of panic thinking I had been hit by fraud again.
Went to the hospital for my pre-retrieval registration
ER covered by insurance :)
Embryo transfer not covered by insurance :(
The process was so detailed this time around and so different from the last time, I just don't know what to think. Now I got preop instructions etc. Of course its possible I got all these instructions the last time but was too freaked out to hear a thing.
Got a n1ntendo w11 and tried the boxing game with DH
I think I got into it a little too much. My back & shoulders hurt really badly.... i-cant-close the-car-door-by-stretching-my-hand-bad.
My masseuse said this is the first time she's going to have to fill in the client information section "w11-related injuries".
Trying to still drink plenty of water & stay hydrated
Looking forward to the weekend
Need a nap.

2008-04-02T10:57:00.002-05:00

While checking the early bird bloggers on my blogroll, Alison's post and reference to Psalm 139 touched me. It's one of those psalms that has had different verses minister to me at different times. So since there's no update on the cycle, here's one of my favorite psalms in NKJV with my fave verses highlighted

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. (another version says You discern my thoughts from afar. In other words, You know what I'm going to be thinking before I start thinking it. How awesome is that)
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, (I read a book with the title wings of the morning that really put this in a good perspective for me. If you like christian romance, I highly recommend not just the book but the whole Lori Wick series)
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well. (even when my treacherous heart asks why and complains, my soul knows the the Lord's works are indeed marvelous & for my good)
15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them (predestination baby. He's got it all worked out. all planned out. Not just for me but for my children. Why should I whine because the calendar is being changed to make me happy)
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; (another version says anxious thoughts)
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

it's all in the blood

2008-03-31T11:13:00.006-05:00

In case you don't remember, I've always had a bit of drama when it came to getting my blood drawn. It's so bad that I can swear I see the smile disappear from the nurse's face everytime she sees me in the waiting room.... she know's its going to be a battle to find my "little veins". And me? well I just keep repeating to myself "big girls don't cry" and "violence is not the answer" while she pokes away.

I had my second set of labs & bloodwork today and when she finished drawing the blood (on the first attempt no less!) she said "now its so easy to draw your blood, what happened" and I put on my most casual uppitty face and reply "oh I changed my diet" :) I feel so cool and so good. There you have it. My blood shows that my new/modified diet is paying dividends.

So what am I doing different? Thanks to all the good feedback I got when I posted about my prenatal vitamins as well as a nice long & helpful email from Hilary, I modified my diet as follows: please note that before now, my diet was very carb heavy. Lots of rice involved

Increased my protein to get a 50:50 protein:carb ratio per meal. That also takes care of the lack of vitamin B12 in my vitamins
Incorporate a slice of cheese or a boiled egg to my regular diet - B12 benefits as well
A glass of home-mixed carrot juice lemonade to provide the vitamin A benefits
Switched to low GI sugar for diabetics
Switched to whole wheat grain bread & cereals & rice. Brown rice is proving to be a very hard pill to swallow for me ... if you pardon the pun. A tastier low GI alternative is basmati rice.
Include 1 piece of fruit a day (orange or banana)
Bowl of cereal with bran, whole grain flakes & powdered whole milk to start the day and get the calcium supply rolling
Switched to organic meat & animal products
Drink plenty of water & reduce carbonated drinks & eliminate caffeine & herbal teas

and that's a summary of the daily changes to my diet. and looks like its working. To keep up, I take it one day at a time & I haven't really made any radical changes, just more conscious of getting a good daily ration of the necessary nutrients. I feel good and my blood can testify. On the u/s level, have over 20 follies at the starting line but none measuring over 9mm yet. Not feeling bloated either.

*****************

Update aka the "what the hell is going on?" phone call. As with all visits, I've been waiting for call from clinic with results of bloodtest. Well the call finally came. The blood tests look good. Then the nurse says "doc xxx is happy with your progress, she wants you to continue on the one and a half vials of meno.pur" at which point my jaw drops. "i'm not on meno.pur" I stammer "I'm on follistim". To which the nurse replies "I thought the doctor wanted you on men0pur. why are you on foll1st1m? did you have leftover meds?" at which point my jaw snaps right back and rational acceptable behavior wrestles with rude kick-her-behind behaviour and rational wins. I tell her that "they" called in foll1st1m for me and that's what my medication calendar states. So now she'll check with the doctor again. If I didn't know that this had nothing to do with medical personnel and everything to do with God, I would be really, really, EXTREMELY PISSED right now. Instead, I'm sardonically amused. The irony. HA!!

******************************

Update #2 aka the voicemail: switching to 1-1/2 men0pur now.

so far so good

2008-03-27T11:25:00.002-05:00

So my first day of stims was yesterday. and DH came to pray with me before I took the first shot of foll.stim - that's so sweet. Whenever I think darn can't believe I haven't been blessed with my own child yet; I look at how this current fertility battle has shaped both our characters; faith and marriage and I know there's no mistake in God's plan. He definitely wanted us to be more mature, patient, loving & godly family by ourselves before we involved a child in the equation. So I learnt two things yesterday

Medical personnel are not 100% infallible. I can read, write & goog.le so I do have a responsibility to do my own research on issues. I had leftover meds from November cycle. Twice I asked my nurse/cycle coordinator if I could us the leftover foll.istim and twice she said yes not a problem. I was about to do it when I decided to read through the loooooooooooooog white sheet that came with it to verify. Lo & behold, I shouldn't have used the med as is - stored in my bathroom cabinet, rubber head already pierced - after 3 months. Nov to march is more than 3 months I think, so I cracked open a new pen of foll1st1m. Imagine how I would have berated myself if I used medication that was no longer effective just because I didn't take time to do my own research.
Assumptions make an a** of u & me - so the witty people say & I agree. Incident number two. I am to take tam1x0fen for 5 days. The chart I received from clinic on tuesday says 3 tablets per day. However when my meds were called into the pharmacy & delivered last month, I received 10 tablets = 2 tablets a day. So here I am, 10pm ready for bed debating how many tablets to take and where was the mistake? In my chart or in my prescription. After 45mins of harnessing the amazing power of DrG00gle, I had enough evidence to support the 3 tablets per day & thats what I took. Hope I'm right. No call back yet from nurse.

So ladies don't be like I used to be. I never bothered with levels or numbers or nothing. When doc says ok, i believe. But I think since its my body and my child we're talking about, I need to be less passive about the process because doctor does not always know best.

finally ... back in the stirrups

2008-03-25T12:48:00.003-05:00

the big day is here. Today is either CD2 or CD0. (it's hard to tell with AF's fluctuating nature sometimes). Just had my baseline in clinic but no results yet. I can't believe how excited I am. It's almost ridiculous. As I was driving to the clinic, i felt a need for a particular song, searched my cd archive and found the cd of choice. & that's when I realized, it's actually my IVF cd. I always had it playing on my drives to & from the clinic. Whenever I think of this season of my life, especially, I will always think of these songs and vice versa. So my post today, is going to be a shuffle of the songs on my newly monikered "IVF cd". Here goes

Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace (My chains are gone) - How can I not love this song. It grew on me and now I have it on like 6 different cd mixes. Fave line "my chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my saviour has ransomed me & like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace" Ok that's more than a line but who's counting
Kutless' Promise of a lifetime - "I am comforted; to know you're always there ;to here to hear my every prayer inside; I'm clinging to the promise of lifetime; I hear the words You say to never walk away from me & leave behind the promise of a lifetime"
MercyMe's Bring the rain - It took a while before I stopped skipping this song and actually listened "Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You...Holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty"
Twila Paris' Days of Elijah - "There's no God like Jehovah". I really love this song and the end refrain is just my favorite part. States the facts
Battle hymn of the republic - I always skip this one.
Salvador's Heaven - "I've been lost in my own place and I'm getting' weary (how far is heaven?)" Who isn't weary sometimes on this roller coaster ride that is not by choice?
Mary Mary's Heaven - "But this race that I am running, whether I run it fast or slow; (as)long as I just keep on running, I'm gonna make it there someday I know". There's also a part of the song that says "If I don't know you now, hope to meet you there" and when I sing this part I think this is what my kids will be singing. They won't get to know my mother or grandmother here on earth but they get to meet them in heaven. :) It's a reassuring thought cuz I miss those two like crazy sometimes
Kirk Franklin's September - I must confess its the beat of this song that really gets me before the lyrics. But the lyrics talk about the different seasons in a christian life. September is when everything's perfect and God was just a prayer away. December + cold weather seems to last forever but remember that all the seasons must come & go.
Mandisa's Only the world - "Anybody can you hear me? Do you feel me? I mean, do you feel me? I know I'm not the only one wearing the weight in this world. We got problems (said it's alright); Just remember (yeah, it's alright); Take a good look around; we're just stuck on the ground for a little while; Don't it make you smile"
Steven Curtis Chapman's Miracle of the moment - This is always the encore that plays on the drive back to work; after I've been hit with a range of emotions from a follie thats finally measuring 18 to crashed out e-levels to follies that refuse to grow even after 3 days on 2.5 vials of meno.pur. I will have to put all of the lyrics because this song is so appropriate for those moments that I usually crank up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs, sometimes through a torrent of tears.

It’s time for letting go (of) all of our if only’s ‘cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did; Would we really want to use it? Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now And this is the only moment we can do anything about

Chorus:
So breathe it in and breathe it out; Listen to your heartbeat; There’s a wonder in the here and now; It’s right there in front of you and I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There’s only One who knows what’s really out there waiting in all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know is He’s out there waiting to Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now; And this is the only moment we can do anything about

(Chorus)

And if it brings you tears then taste them as they fall and let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter then throw your head back and let it go, let it go; you gotta let it go

Appropriate won't you say. Now THIS is a long post. Now I wait for the phonecall.

No B12

2008-03-21T11:42:00.003-05:00

In anticipation of sunday (last day of BCPs) I was trying to work out the kinks on my diet plan and of course, Dr Goo.gle RN has a major role in that endeavour. And I just made a shocking discovery..... my prescription pre.natal multivitamin which costs all of $45 for a 60day refill does not contain any vitamin B12 or vitamin A. How is that possible. Now I'm confused. I don't know whether to supplement with B12 and beta-carotene pills which will mean 4 pills per day or switch brands. And if I switch brands, which do I switch to. I'm a little peeved that my clinic prescribed something like that to me. Will probably ask about that at my baseline appt on Tues but..... any recommendations on prenatals?

I shall publish a summary of my eating plan when its eventually worked out. Thanks to Ms H for some good tips on pco eating.

Happy good Friday. Enjoy & remember calvary is not a fairytale, it happened. God allowed Himself to become man and go through all that Jesus went through for a reason... me, you, us. Yesterday's bible reading was on restoration - David's restoration of Mephibosheth. The concept of God's restoration has been on my mind this year. In January I was praying for a restoration of the lost years of my fertility/motherhood. :) All I can say is grace is a beautiful thing. I like the name Grace. It reiterates to me the concept of unmerited favor that I am constantly living under

This honestly started as a one paragraph post but I got caught up in the moment. Ok back to food and GI indices

9 days later she said

2008-03-19T16:46:00.002-05:00

I went for lunch at a food court today and the easter bunny handed me a purple easter egg with 4 egg-shaped chocolates & a chance to win a cruise for two. I'll save my rant on the commercialisation of every religious holiday for another forum and ask the first question that came to my head. Do bunny rabbits lay eggs? In america? What's the connection between the rabbit & eggs for easter. I'm sure there's a history to it but I don't geddit....

Been doing nothing but swallowing bcps, trying to improve my diet, getting worked up & excited about this cycle & at the same time having a lot of vivid dreams at night. Some good, some silly, some really scary. The type where I wake up praying & scared. I like to believe I'm not overly anxious about this next IVF cycle but my dreams tell me otherwise. I may be in overdrive mode right now.

Aside from that & the usual feelings that come with discovering another compatriot has sneaked over into mommy-land behind my back, things are pretty quiet with me. Hope they stay that way. Its boring, but I can live with boring if its accompanied by a trip to mommy-land. Bella.noche

Definining stress

2008-03-09T16:16:00.004-05:00

Before I get knee deep into today's post on stress, I thought I would shed some light on my previous posts. My credit union was really good about getting the stolen money back in my acct :) (of course they charged me 20dollars for shipping a new card but I can live with that). I'm actually a chemical engineer by training and profession so that explains the quote on friction pressures etc. (don't tell any, I wrote the post in the office).

Repeating the same thing at home, the closest book to me is "Be angry but don't blow it" by Lisa Bevere, a xmas present from my best friend. Its a really great book but I'm sorta slow going through it. I like Lisa's writing style because its not all heavenly, righteous christianese. She writes in an everyday language about things I can relate with. Without further ado, turning to page 123, going through the first 5 sentences and typing the next 3, they are "The attitudes of our hearts imprint themselves more than the illusion of cosmetics. "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit" (Prov 15:13). Cheerful will always outlast beautiful." So true. I know that for a couple of years I wore my heartache on my face & actually had people coming up to me wondering why I was looking angry / upset. I believe I have come a long way from that person. I still have a serious face most days but at least its not seriously sad or upset.

So this is my first full attempt at destressing my weekends by staying at home. Normally I would go out on satudays & sundays under the guise of shopping. I'm not really buying so much as walking myself till I'm ready to drop. Then I go home, sleep and its monday morning. So whats different this weekend? Well I've been home all day but I don't think its any less stressful. I've done 4 loads of laundry & it seems I'm either generating dirty dishes or loading them in the dishwasher or taking them out. That's still not restful in my opinion. You know that gene that some (most?) women have a gene that gives them joy & fulfillment in taking care of a home and keeping it clean and all that good stuff? I don't have it. Domestic diva is not one of the hats I wear, chores are a necessary evil. Of course I had to marry a man whose mother & sisters are the exact opposite of me domestically thereby making me seem like a female anomaly - but that's a post for another day.

Suffice to say that in my opinion this weekend has not been so stress-free & I still have a load of colored clothes to launder and dishes to offload and load. I almost cracked and would have gone to the mall. The only thing that stopped me was knowing it would be closed by the time I get there. sigh!!! I need a shopping fix. Where is the bliss!!

Ooops! I almost forgot that this was an IF blog. Well what is there to say about my fertility today? Let me see....... I got one! Finished the first pack of bcps & will be starting a new pack today. I can't wait to start stimming.

In the absence of no new post...

2008-03-07T11:00:00.004-06:00

I'll do this thing that's been going round blogland instead: The rules are simple. Look up from the computer, look around the room where you’re sitting and pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences. I know this will bore you silly but here goes my excerpt

"Therefore, friction pressures are much more sensitive to the pipe diameter than the flow rate, regardless of the power-law index value. For Bingham plastic fluids, the flow rate/friction pressure relationship can be described by what is known as the Buckingham-Reiner equation. " (the third sentence is a long equation so I shall spare you any further torture) :) that's a peak into my present literary world. Exciting eh?!

TGIF. Enjoy your weekend. As part of my new pre-ivf life de-stress policy, i hope to spend the next two days at home except for church.

Boring update

2008-03-05T16:58:00.003-06:00

Just a boring update to let you know i'm still standing

i'm still on bcp & will be for 36 days to get the timing right for clinic lab to reopen & doc to be in town
u know that little c.re.d1t card with a fully paid bal that I was saving for my ivf payment, well some person across the country took used it on a shopping spree without my permission. By the time the anti-frod alert kicked in, a 4-figure balance was already on the card :( :( :(
attended sunday school for the second time this year & turns out my group leader is another IF warrior. I guess the affliction is common.
SIL & baby finally left & we have the house back to ourselves. I miss the baby. They really do grow on you. I've actually dreamt about him twice. (sigh!) and i've actually started dreaming about my children and actually missing them as if they're people I know. Is that wierd? I've never felt like that before. I was familiar with the "i want kids" feeling but an actual personalised longing....now thats a new one
My IVF meds are coming in tomorrow & we'll start the party again by month end.

& thats all thats going on right now. I'm not in a bad place. Its a limbo-like, equilibrium-type state. Good night y'all

Of testimonies et al

2008-02-25T14:10:00.003-06:00

2 Timothy 1:8-12 Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, to which I was appointed a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of the Gentiles. For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.

This is the passage God used to speak to me sometime last week & I've been feeling the need to share it especially "do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord nor of me His prisoner". Jesus's testimony includes hunger, imprisonment, whippings, betrayal, mockery, pain, suffering and eventually a "shameful death" and still we are to be proud of His testimony. Paul's testimony as a christian includes a lot of those things as well. What does that tell me?

The path of a christian is not all rosy and nice house in aspen, married to denzel washington with tom cruise on the side, billion dollars in the bank, 3 cute kids who are top of their class, play 7 musical instuments each, and are on the US olympic team etc. There's a lot of "name it & claim it" plus prosperity teach out there that more often than not implies that anything that is wrong or not perfect with your life is somehow a reflection of your inadequate faith. I do not believe that is true. Hardships & trials are part of a christian walk & part of a christian's testimony.

My walk through infertility right now is NOT me living the plan B for my life, it is the plan A. There is no way I will talk about the life I've lived on this earth without including my present struggle with IF. It's not possible. I can't erase that chapter. It's part of my life & therefore also part of my testimony. & that verse just made me realise I must be proud of my testimony. There's no shame in having IF in my life right now. It's all part of the testimony of my life that in its end will be summarized in one sentence "God is good & God is God"

Off my soapbox now. Started BCP last sunday. Stop Mar 16 & begin IVF stims. :)

the thing line between wisdom and have-you-lost-your-natural-mind

2008-02-18T13:16:00.003-06:00

Wisdom is being restrained and not buying a deliciously fantastic pair of leather ankle books until they go on sale with 80% off original price

Have-you-lost-your-natural-mind is buying the last pair in a size 8 and insisting that your size 8-1/2 feet fit into it. (& no, taking off your stockings does not really make that much of a difference)

friday update

2008-02-15T15:36:00.002-06:00

Things are looking good in Graceland. Cousin Spot is gone and Aunt Flo is here & very mild mannered if I may say so myself. For the first 15 years of my reproductive life, AF was a screaming river that demanded a maxi pad & highest absorbancy tampon every two hours. You can't begin to imagine how traumatic that was for me at age fourteen or how many embarassing AF-related stories I have. (That may be TMI)

So I will pick up my bcps today and my new IVF stimulation regime will be fol.l.istim & ta.mo.xifen to control my estrogen levels. Sounds nice. I feel hopeful. Plus I think I signed up for a better health insurance plan this year. I still have to pay for my treatment, but at least I know the retrieval is covered and that's one less thing to worry about.

Hearing Elaine talk about her tanning bed just reminds me of how desperately I want to spend some time in a sauna. My gym has one but fear of its impact on my eggs/ovaries/uterus/whateverelse-is-down-there has stopped me from indulging thus far. I think I will just have to take the dive this week because I need a mega shot of relaxation. I'm really tensed & tired right now. Have a good weekend y'all

Technology, phone bugging etc

2008-02-13T17:33:00.004-06:00

Connudrum solved. Paradise found!

my phone, bedroom & blog posts are being bugged. They must be. The AF bureau of secret services heard my moaning and decided to take action. But dear aunt Flo is a snob so she wouldn't show up by herself. Oh no she sent cousin Spot. He's been here for two days now lying on my couch and just ticking me and the Cottonwool factory off. Here ends my 5 minutes of eccentricity for the day. Back to reality

Finally called my clinic and left a message for IVF nurse basically asking should I start progestrone pills. She spoke to my RE and apparently RE looked at my file and wants to "ponder" my case before deciding the way forward. Now thats a new one. I guess/hope it means I won't be getting any cookie cutter solutions and will get some personalized treatment. Or what if the doc comes back to say "I give up, I can't deal with you anymore!" Won't that be a loud-gasping, jaw-dropping, kodak moment? I think whatever hormornes are currently rushing through my veins are giving me a very corny outlook to life right now.

I was watching a nice episode of Fresh prince of Bel Air 2 days ago when an ad came on. For clearblu pee stick. I didn't even think those things need ads. I mean are women all over the world going to go out and get pregnant just for an opportunity to use the stick. I mean come on! And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, they delivered the closing remarks for the ad - "the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on". WHAT!! Are these guys nuts? I'm sure its meant to be funny and its possible that under different circumstances I would see the humor, but for some inexplicable reason I am just annoyed by the whole ad.

PS: I poased on the most sophisticated piece of technology 2 nites ago & BFN. Make a pee stick that can get me pregnant then I'll give you kudos. Ok i need to log off now. I think the more I write the cornier I get. G'nite

simple mathematics & connudrums

2008-02-08T11:01:00.000-06:00

if my knowledge of simple mathematics isn't failing me, then I do believe I am on CD 74. This is getting very close to my all-time highest record of 93. Its definitely second highest. Even DH noticed. I'm guessing this will be a good time as any to call clinic and induce AF into visiting

On issues of life, my latest connudrum has to do with hot beverages. I'm a breakfast person but I rarely get up early enough to actually make breakfast but I still enjoy hot beverages early in the morning and late at night. & therein lies my dilemma:

i love the smell of coffe but not the taste so i drink a very watered down version. After a few weeks of drinking, i get heart palpitations and have to stop. (i don't seem to handle caffeine and other stimulants very well)
i love tea but it affects me the same way coffee does in a few weeks - heart palpitations and an unexplained anxiety
Just switch to decaf and guess what, apparently the criteria for coffee to be called decaf is less than 2% caffeine. So it still has caffeine and apparently that teeny weeny amount is enough for me to get ...wait for it.... heart palpitations & unexplained anxiety
i tried green tea with lemon and green tea with mint and it seems to give me this congestion in my throat that makes me snore. I swear i've tried this 3 times over the last one year and its the same thing so i am sure. The snoring would not be a problem if I was single, but it's bad enough to have dh kicking me at night so green tea has to go
I don't like the way my mouth smells afte I drink hot chocolate plus i hate hot drinks that are thick anyway. Ditto for hot milk.
the only herbal tea i like is one I used to take at home in Africa which was a combination of berries, red in color & made by twi.ni.ngs. Can't find it in my local stores

So i'm stuck. My day is not a day until I've had a hot cup of something but I seem to have exhausted all the usual suspects. Any ideas

TGIF & have a blessed weekend. Let's see if I can talk myself into calling IVF nurse for a pro.metri.um prescription to get this party started.

sisterhood & prayers

2008-02-04T16:22:00.000-06:00

i had a number of posts in my head when I logged in today, that is until I check my blogroll. I'm in tears & my heart just aches for ME & Steve. She's one of the first people to comment on my blog when I first started & has always been a encouraging voice of cheer in the dark-cloud world of IF. Her BFP was such a haapy moment for me, I feel helpless right now knowing what she's going through. Please stop by and extend a hug to her and pray for her quick recovery.

I am reminded of how really small I am in the scheme of things. All I can really boast of is unfettered access to a good God who hears my prayers. When push comes to shove, prayers are all I have to give. I still thank God for the blogworld sisterhood

alone at last

2008-01-31T22:58:00.000-06:00

ahh! it's 10:57pm and i have 3 minutes of alone time. What can I say, a little person definitely requires a lot of attention. SIL and I fumbled our way thru baby's first bath today. :) I think he enjoyed it a lot more than we did. The good thing about being in aunty mode, I get to sleep through all the nightly feedings. Ok that's all for the nephew update.

DH's childhood friend just became a father. Today. He got married last year january. Feels like we had a three year headstart but we're still running in last place. All of DH's closest friends are now daddys. & he's happy for every single one of them. & I feel so..... unfulfilling??!! it's hard to put to words. Sort of like a group of friends go into a store to buy bicycles & everyone loves their own bike. Then it turns out one person has a bad bicycle so he pushes his bicycle along while smiling at his friends as they wheel around happily in theirs. Its hard not to feel like the broken bicycle sometimes :(

and AF is 31 days late and counting. & I'm wondering whether to call the doctor and start a prometrium induced period. There's something about time and its seasons. We somehow get to measure our life in years due to the inspirational invention called a calendar. We make resolutions in the new year & celebrate towards the end of the year. Its all chronology.Where am I going? Well my subconscious mind is very aware that if I am to be a mother this year, I have just the first three months of the year in which to get pregnant. And 31 days are gone, 60 days left. If I start prometrium, then AF, then bcp, then AF again, then IVF cycle, BFP will be time around third week of march & therein lies my dilemma. Should I wait for my body to take its good time, knowing fully well that AF can get on the next plane to NOLA or take a 90 day walk in my general direction. Should I help nature along with progestrone etc to get to the goal for this year? Is waiting for a normal AF faith or foolishness?Am I being proactive or just lacking in patience. I'm not sure anymore. All I know is I really want to start my family biologically this year. And that's the way this cookie is crumbling. Good night

ps: I haven't stepped foot in BrUS is a while :) ain't that a miracle!!

give it up now

2008-01-21T16:54:00.000-06:00

Ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls... Please give it up for smart, young, currently childless lady who managed to find her way back into b*bies.r.us for the FIFTH time in one month. Twice in two days. This time I could swear some of the aisles smelled of baby powder. (Is it smelled or smelt)

Can I pay you to pay me to STOP going to b*bies.r.us? pleeeease

thank you and good night

Grammy for foolishness

2008-01-19T22:11:00.000-06:00

And the grammy for foolishest acts of the year so far goes to (drumroll please).....ME
Me the smart tough cookie who thinks she can shop in b*bies.r.*s for 4 consecutive weekends and not get burnt. HA! God was merciful & I got away with it unscalded for the first three times & then this saturday.... let's just say by the time I left bbs-rus, i was half hoping that someone would rear-end my car so I could beat them to a pulp. Not the best of thoughts but I confess that the kicking-somebody's-behind form of therapy somehow appeals to me. I think God understands that, which is why He made me a wee little person. I had to settle for a talk cup of frozen coffee and a long walk in walmart where I bought myself a pair of knee high socks. (Had to convince myself I wasn't breaking Rez #4. Socks are not clothes are they)

On a health note, the back of my heels have been tingling whenever I sleep & now even when I'm awake. I'm beginning to worry based on the possible explanations for this I'm getting from Dr Goo.gle. I dont know if i should go see my primary care physician - wait a minute, I don't have a primary care physician, all I have is a fertility doctor. Now what do i do? See a chiropractor or what? Or start metformin again and see if it goes away? or drink more water? confused.

DH is soooo in love with the baby. Poignant. He's always cuddling and kissing and petting the baby. If he's like this with his nephew, I can't imagine how he'll be with his own kids. ah the longing!!!

AF is MIA & i have 3 peesticks and enough restraint (so far) not to use them. Let's see how long that lasts

WANTED: 25 hour days

2008-01-18T20:27:00.000-06:00

If only i could buy a 25 hour day, i would be able to post all the posts i've been posting in my head for the last one week but alas, my days have been short and the nights have been shorter. Even now I'm stealing this time out. So this is a summary of my life so far

Spent some days chauffering SIL around for last minute baby shopping
in that space of time something happened. God worked something out inside me. For the first time in a long time, on saturday evening, I said a heartfelt prayer for her & her safe delivery. That was really uplifting. I can't begin to explain what it felt like to have the burden of envy & resentment lifted off my shoulders
My older sis, DH & I all agreed that being in the delivery room would be too traumatic for me so DH would do the honors
I drove SIL to the hospital 6am tuesday morning and come 2:16pm, she made me an aunty & yes I ended up in the delivery room holding her hand, holding her down so she wouldn't have her baby on the floor and keeping my face to the wall so i didnt get any images permanently etched in my mind & finally ... it's a boy!
& something else wonderful happened me in that hospital room.... all my images of labour are from tv with a woman screaming her lungs off and stories of 24 hours labour. If I may say so my SIL was an encouragement & a testimony. She was induced & had contractions for 4 hours and didn't feel a thing. Then they broke her water. When she started feeling uncomfortable she asked me to bring her bible and she read from Isaiah 66 "Before she comes to labor she gives birth" and kept praying with that line. Then she started screaming with pain at 2:05 and the doctor came. I braced myself for a long huffing, puffing and pushing session, but she pushed once and the baby was out. I believe everyone in the room was in shock. Its one thing to read about faith, its another to see it firsthand and be blessed by that sight. I've always been a little terrified of the thought of vaginal birth but after this experience, i'm thinking "i can do this!!".
now baby's home and the thermostat is at 80degF. It's hot! hot!! hot!!!
of course in between all these I have had some brief down moments, but thank God i haven't dwelled on the ifs, whys & why mes. One poignant moment was the evening before we brought the baby home. DH said "i never imagined that the first baby in our house will not be ours" :( ah well, c'est la vie

my stolen minutes are up. Have a good nite & stay blessed :*) I shall be back

New Year's resolution update

2008-01-10T17:38:00.000-06:00

I just realised I never did publish my New Year's resolutions. Silly me. The post was all in my head. Here goes. I WILL

Dedicate more of me & my time to my relationship with God and join a ministry in my church
Work on my marriage and (with God's help) let go of my anger, resentment and rebellion towards my husband. Plus drop the stubborness too. (yes, I can be quite a piece of work sometimes :(
I will be smarter about my finances. Last year was my first full year as a US resident and I must say the intricacies of the whole money management thing just plain floored me. I was bitten hard by credit cards, debt, health insurance, all insurance, TAXES. My solution is not to work harder, but to work smarter. Wish me luck
and finally - drumroll please - I will not spend a dime of my salary on new additions to my wardrobe. GASP! I wasn't overly extravagant last year, but I did indulge in a lot of retail therapy no small thanks to the ups & downs of fertility treatment. Plus my dress size changed twice over the course of the year and I used this as an excuse to give out all my clothes and get a new set. Twice
CAVEAT to #4: Notice I said my salary. I will happily accept giftcards from DH and all loving members of family and friends.
CAVEAT 2 TO #4: I shall not hesitate to buy maternity clothes to my hearts content when the need arises. :)

that's it. The good, the bad & the ridiculous of my 2008 resolutions. What were yours?

walking, sitting & the OB's office

2008-01-10T16:48:00.000-06:00

I've had the singular & enlightening experience of driving my SIL for her OB's appointments twice now. & can I say that its quite interesting seeing what happens on the other side of the fence.

Unlike my RE's office where we get a few copies of conceive magazine and all the latest celebrity snoot, this waiting room was full of conceive magazine, and american baby and all sorts of baby & parenting rags.
Cervix check is the same everywhere - u're on your back trying to look unconcerned - like some stranger isn't ....... fill in the gaps
The ultrasound, oh my the ultrasound. It was a little thing the size of a really really fat tampon and they put it on the tummy and guess what?! heartbeats. Little baby heartbeats. A sound everyone in that room had heard so many times, it probably wasn't a big deal. but it was a wow! moment for me. Really really pregnancy is about having a little person growing in you, I'm wowed & humbled and probably illiterate cuz now I'm realizing the little dildo may have been some sort of stethoscope-amplifier implement.

All in all, I'd like to go through this soon. Very very soon. This year to be exact.

On a different note, this psalm was on my mind lately

" Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper. "

Emphasis being on the first two lines - "the company you keep dictates the life you live" a popular saying goes. I've been thinking about this with regards to blogging. The friends you have IRL or in cyberspace will deposit seeds in your life. That's what friends are supposed to do. I am thankful for everyone I've met online who has sown a good seed, a seed of faith in my life. And my advise to myself this year is "your heart is a treasure chest, guard & grade what goes into it with care". Eventually the thoughts of those around you will shape your view of your journey. Will you start being comfortable calling yourself an infertile? By our mouths we confess to show our faith. I don't believe I'm infertile, I just honestly think, God's time for me as a mother hasn't come yet. On the scale of eternity where time ceases to exist, I am a mother. In future, I am a mother. In this present time, I am waiting to be a mother.

xoxo

ps: this post is by no means a condemnation. It is simply a vocalisation of my thoughts. Stay blessed

Happy new year one & all

2008-01-01T20:28:00.000-06:00

and I hope that in 2008, God will meet you at the point of your need.

i know, i know, i've been a little mia for a while now but.... well its been for some good & not so good reasons. Part of me wanted to spend the holidays away from IF and everything related to it & I must say the last few days of 2007 were wonderful. I went to CT & all my siblings were under one roof for the first time in 3 years. (since me wedding). It felt really good plus my niece is now 3 months old and has the most kissable cheeks in the world.

On the slightly more eventful and painful side of things, the relative I spoke about here happens to be my SIL. She wanted me to talk to her deliverance pastor because she felt my lack of children was a spiritual problem. She did not say this maliciously, but I cannot put to words how much pain, anger, resentment & outrage I felt at her email. This SIL is a few months younger than I am, married 6 months after I did, had her first child 11 months after marriage & is currently expecting baby number 2. And guess what, she's currently living in my house and will be until she has the baby. WOW!

When I knew she was coming, I was so scared and prayed and prayed and prayed that God will take all my negative emotions away and give me the grace to treat her with love & so far so good. She's been here two weeks and somehow her presence has allowed me to get over some of my anger/resentment/envy and leave that baggage in 2007. I'm really excited about 2008 just because I know that God is good & I'm at a new place.

This year, I just want to focus on multiplying the talents that God has given me & be so engrossed with living for him that baby-related issues take up a way smaller chunk of my life, heart & thots.

Happy new year all.

i don't know if this is good or bad but...

2007-12-04T08:43:00.000-06:00

I AM GARLIC!!!

You scored 25% intoxication, 75% hotness, 75% complexity, and 50% craziness!
You are Garlic! No offence, but you stink. Pretty much everyone loves you, though. You're smart and pretty hot and you fit in with about any culture. You're a total cut-up; in fact, the more cut-up you get, the hotter you become. But be careful, when you get embarrassed, you turn really sweet.

What are you? Find out here

On another note, I started what i call my "legacy" album for my children yesterday. First let me give you a backgroud. After my mother died when I was 5, I never saw any pictures of her again till I was in my late teens and I found a box of her photos & diaries & some other personal stuff. I was struck by how beautiful & fashionable she was. I felt so proud & for the first time, I really understood my loss & I cried. I cried for the woman she would not have a chance to train me to become. (i was a raggedy tomboy type & I still have some of those traits even now) From that point I started taking passport photographs of myself at different life stages & with all my array of hairstyles. I wanted my daughter(s) to one day look at the pictures and feel proud of who her mother was as a young lady. So I bought a magnetic album yesterday & arranged my photos with little notes beside each one. DH like it until he saw what I wrote in the dedication page and I guess it sound a bit too omnious for his taste but.....

Buying the album was my teary moment for 3 Dec 2007. I wondered about all the "wills" related to that album. Will I have children to share it with? will they view it alone like I did or will I be there to talk them through it? It was a moment, but it passed quickly enough.

THE SEARCH...

2007-12-03T13:25:00.000-06:00

for the perfect wine: riesling & rose are the front runners. Every night has been a very merry xmas night. Shiraz, merlot & chaddonay have been eliminated.

for the perfect xmas present: what do you buy for a BIL who's 6ft 11, a brother who's a technology freak with expensive tastes & a DH who already has everything he needs in a wife as wonderful as me :)). for under 30$

for my IVF refund: check's in the mail say clinic. I'd rather have a BFP than a million dollar refund but .... beggars ain't riding yet

for a healthier body: will resume soon at a gym near me

for the perfect haircut : is stuck in 4inches of two-tone, multi-textured afro

for baby number 1: is very much alive & ongoing

so in summary, i'm imbibing a little, xmas shopping online, carrying an ivf cycle worth of balance on my cards, still sporting a 30in waist & unruly hair, still waiting for my miracle twins, still ridiculously happy, still ridiculously excited about christmas, still ridiculously teary at the oddest moments, still very very amazed by the depth & quality of God's love to me regardless of my present state.

on a new day note

2007-11-26T16:34:00.000-06:00

i'm really thankful for all the kind comments, they mean a lot to me. The amazing thing about the human body (or at least my version of it) is it can't have 2 meltdowns in 2 days. What that means is I'm actually taking this cancellation a lot better than I, DH, the doc & all the nurses in fert clinic expected I would. The long weekend is over & I'm back at work so that is a good occupation for my mind right now

So what am i doing right now? POAS twice a day to make sure I catch that LH surge whenever it shows up. No double line yet on the OPK sticks but the monitor has two bars so I'm watching, peeing & waiting. (& trying very hard to resist the urge to get overly friendly with a bottle of wine or/and a magarita or two). Working on staying positive and relaxed.

I miss my little niece. At a time like this, i just want to hold her & cuddle her & smell her & just remember that in the end, the journey is worth it. Little boys are cool, but little girls are just amazing...in my opinion anyway. I should know, I used to be a little girl myself :)

Hugs & kisses to you all, thanks for all your kindness, we'll all get to that place we're looking for someday. My hope is still alive.

IVF diary CD 11

2007-11-24T12:24:00.000-06:00

Estrogen too low so ivf cancelled. Too many follicles to risk hcg shot. awaiting natural ovualtion & a miracle.

IVFdiary CD 10

2007-11-23T20:01:00.000-06:00

Happy thanksgiving & how was it for you? For me, it was really cool. Spent the last two mornings in RE's with the vampire stick & magic wand. Everything thing looked good. Resumed meno.pur on CD8. Signed the consents for my e-retrieval surgery with a shaky hand & today I had to drop paperwork in hospital for the retrieval.

On a bad note: I went in to drop the paperwork & check-in lady had me sign doc stating i didn't have a living will. My little morbid thoughts on mortality came flooding back

On a good note: My insurance is paying for the surgery & i have finally reached my out of pocket limit. That was so exciting for me cuz the credit would have been maxed out if i paid out-of-pocket

On a bad note: I went to the outpatient surgery section & the whole hospital athmosphere just hit me. I sat tin the waiting area teary & just asking God to step in and give me faith to trust & be strong. In summary, I prayed as I wept or I wept as I prayed depending on how you choose to look at it. The thought of being unconscious in a hospital just knocks me out

On a good note: The anesthesialogist (?) came to explain the procedure to me & apparently its not a general anesthesia afterall but a mild sedation. I don't really know the difference but i was ready to do cartwheels. And THEN it turns out the lady is also a patient in the same clinic waiting for her own IVF. How about that!? We ended up having a good girly giggly conversation and I left the hospital feeling so lifted. I know God saw my brokeness & just sent me a friend. The first friend outside of work that I am making since I got here 14months ago by the way. To celebrate I decided to indulge in a little black friday madness.

On a good note: I pulled up to the mall just as another car parked right by the door was pulling out. How's that for favor? Did a pair of pants & two shirts at Express and headed off to dillards for some more retail therapy

and then my phone rang

it wasn't the usual nurse update on my blood test results & instructions, it was the doctor (so sweet of her to call me on a holiday)

and then the bottom fell out of my day. My estrogen levels had crashed & my follies were around 16. I have a mega dose of 3 meno.pur tonight & another vampire-wand session tomorrow morning. If the levels aren't up by then, IVF is cancelled.

Its a good thing that i have a 15minute delay in a lot of my emotional reactions to situations. That meant I was one street from the house before i broke down & cried my eyes out. My incoherent, semi-hysterical state when i stepped into the house had DH panicked. He called the doc to discuss & did all the comforting husbandly things husbands are supposed to do. I went to bed. My eyes are still puffy & i think my body is still in shock from my hysteria bout. I don't know what to do or think. But this I know, God who cared enough about my unfounded fears to send me a friend when I needed one definitely knows my pain in all these & I know He's not looking down at me & enjoying seeing me like this. My future is already history to Him & all I keep repeating to myself is "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope & an expected end (a future)".
So for the record today's protocol is

1 baby aspirin
1 prenatal mv
10 units of lupron in the morning
3 vs of meno.pur tonight
2 day estrogen level crash from very good 2000 to very bad 200. I guess that is the effect of this

and i will be updating you guys tomorrow. Don't wish me luck. Just pray for me the God's will prevails regardless of what that means for me.

IVF diary CD 7

2007-11-20T22:38:00.000-06:00

more bloodwork & magic wand action today. Nurse says things are looking good but i get to take no meds tonight. I don't know why - maybe doc's trying to slow down the follie process so i don't ruin anyone's thanksgiving dinner with a e-retrieval. or maybe she just wants the laggards to catch up with the bigger boys. So today's protocol is

1 baby aspirin
1 prenatal mv
10 units of lupron in the morning

i was rushing out to make a dental appt so i didn't get to discuss follie sizes, but i think i saw a 15, some 13s & some 11s. I'm excited in a detached kind of way. By the grace of God, this whole thing is going to turn out well. I don't really care about the details. I just want God to speak a word into my situation & i know its all good.

i remember earlier in the year when i started my first full injectible cycle, i had plans for a christmas baby....... in the words or mr obama, the aud.a.city of hope

on a lighter note:

Question: what kind of person goes shopping at 4am in the morning post-thanksgiving day? i love a good deal,never buy anything that's not on sale but 4am? AM as in morning - morning before the sun comes out. hmmn!!

IVF diary CD 6

2007-11-19T14:21:00.001-06:00

still on

1 baby aspirin
1 prenatal vitamin
10 units of lup.ron in the morning
75 units each of menopur & follistim at night - maybe i should clarify the follistim stinging business, and while i'm at it possibly recover from my dumbness. The nurse showed me a way to combine the meno.pur & folli.stim in one shot. So instead of a 1ml non-stinger shot & a 75iui stinger shot, i get a single 1ml+75iui shot. Doesn't common sense dictate i take the two shot & a smaller volume of stingy liquids? I'm not so sure its common to me

Had u/s & bloodwork today & everythings looking good. Biggest follie is 13 so things are really progressing. I also had to sign the hospital consents today & with that came a realisation.... I'm scared. I'm really scared. I've braved this whole injection business but the thought of going under general anesthesia scares me. I thot about it while driving back & burst into tears. I need to make sure I talk to all my siblings before transfer day. I know i'm probably being dramatic but i can't help it. I have been especially conscious of my mortality in the last few months. I guess a certain age in life does that to you. I trust God that His plans for me are perfect, but i do not presume anything. My mom died at age 33 from post-partum complications. i'm sure she didn't want to. She had 4 lovely children she didn't want to leave behind, but she did anyway. C'est la vie. I'm no longer in my twenties. I feel young at heart but the reality is i'm not getting any younger.
i'm sorry for this morbid depressing post, but i guess thats how i feel right now. really sorry.

*** UPDATE ***
nurse called & i can stop follistim. yeeeeaaaahhh!

IVF diary CD2

2007-11-15T14:23:00.001-06:00

well Aunt flo arrived in all her splendor yesterday so i guess thats makes today CD 2.

Now we are on

1 baby aspirin
1 prenatal vitamin
10 units of lup.ron in the morning
75 units each of menopur & follistim at night - still ooowie :(
Having a jacket for the last 3 days of 70+ weather and leaving the house jacketless for todays 64- weather.
Yesterday's light bulb moment: God loves me the way i plan to love my children. That puts His love in a whole new perspective - a good one. It makes me reevaluate my thoughts on God's thoughts towards me
Today's light bulb moment: The postoffice sells postage envelopes - duh!!

i wonder what the better half and i would do for thanksgiving. We don't do the turkey thing and we are quite far from family. In an ideal world, we'd take a 4 day vacation to Vegas or Miami. But in this real world we live in, we can't afford to be too far away from the stirrup. C'est la vie.
So right now my mind is flipping through options for enjoying this holiday still. i'm sure i'll come up with something.

IVF diary CD?

2007-11-13T14:41:00.001-06:00

2 words: follistim stings

10cents worth of advice

2007-11-12T10:25:00.000-06:00

here's my dime's worth of advise for the day "Do Not go for bloodwork on an empty stomach especially one that has seen no action in over 12 hours"

My "little vein" was terrorised for over 8 minutes by two needles before she graciously decided to give up the good stuff. & me already wuzzy in the head from skipping dinner & breakfast and generally in the dumps, that was not quite the sunshine start to my day that i hoped for. But that was 45 minutes ago. Its amazing what a turtle mochasipi can do for the old dreary soul. My med student cousin stayed over for a while in september while studying for exams & introduced me to the joys of frozen coffee. I'm not hooked but its a definite pick me up that hasn't failed me yet.

IVF diary update

Still on 20 units lupron. Will start 10 units tomorrow. (Maybe Aunt Mad will leave once Aunt Flo arrives)
starting 75 units meno.pur & 75 units folli.stim tonite
Not growling or snarling so much. Of course that may be bcuz there's no one to growl at. Already pushed DH to the limit so we're not on speaking terms till i make up & make nice right after this post
still on 1 baby aspirin
still on the prenatal meds of good repute

Need to sign up for next year's benefits. Being a newcomer, i goofed real badly with the benefits i chose for this year. I've spent the region of 15K$ on the whole IF thing not counting this IVF cycle which i haven't paid for yet & i still haven't met my annual deductible. Not even close to it. Of course my health insurance does not cover fertility treatments but even then ..... i feel like i've been shafted from both ends. Just contributed to the bottom line of some ins company.

I gave myself a lecture about not whining about costs on this blog especially as i just paid the first half of my IVF fee by credit card this morning. My credit union won't move me up to a lower rate but they will increase my limit. Real cute! Ok i'll stop now. Save the rest for another day. Have a blessed week y'all & remember to thank God for the small things cuz they really matter.

***************** UPDATE ****************

After my whine, i check my bloglines and read wifethereof's contribution to "Twelve and a half fighting back" & i feel humbled

thank you

2007-11-11T22:02:00.000-06:00

i wish i could say my moods have improved but they have not. however in the last 12 hours i have gone from angry to teary so...

i just want to thank all the women & men out there who share their lives and experiences by blogging. Right now you are my sanity in an insane world. I wish my weekend was refreshing and i was looking forward to the work week but i'm afraid that is not the case.

IVF update

Saturday was last day of bcp
early morning u/s tomorrow
0 minutes in gym
waist is still 30inches

good nite

there's a reason why they'e called raging

2007-11-08T09:36:00.000-06:00

raging hormones that is. I don't know if its the bcp or the lupron or both but i have become a snarler. i'm raging & snarling & my fuse is shorter the distance between the floor & my big toe. & my poor husband is bearing the brunt of it & i feel so bad. after i give myself a good talking to not to get mad, he says something & i just start snapping away. HELP!!

ivf diary page 2 CD12

2007-11-06T08:13:00.001-06:00

according to Mr Yahoo News Photos, "Women breastfeed their children. Scientists have identified a gene which leads children to have higher IQs if they are breastfed, according to a study released Monday.(AFP/File/Jaime Reina)" Reference to my last post, so i guess that the girls are just gonna have to try their best to meet up with milk demands but i digress from my main post - the ivf update

The last 24 hours have been

1 baby aspirin,
1 prenatal vitamin that requires you to reevaluate the type & strength of toilet paper you buy (i kid you not)
1 bcp pill,
24 minutes of gym machine time
First lupron injection. actually, first injection in almost 3 months. ahhh!! I think i need to feng shui my bathroom so this injecting business is more relaxing. What do you think? a little barstool, some candles, some pot pourri, happy music in the backgroud, the whole spa theme. hmmn!! I probably should start it now before i graduate to PIO
waking up an hour early cuz my body has not adjusted to the daylight saving time yet.

which is good because i get to have some breakfast prep time & bible study time. Read matt 1 & 2 today & picked up some facts for living. (actually i learnt a lot)

Ruth was the grandmother of David. That has never really hit me before but then I realized, she must have had quite an influence on the life of a king that was described as a man after God's heart. Did she teach him about faith? I mean my grandmother had such an impact on my life. I can talk about her nonstop. From a young age, she left no doubt in my mind that she was in perpetual intercession for me. I belive my inability to rebel as a teenager despite all my puny attempts was because she had just built a prayer hedge around me. The closest i came to teenage rebellion was wearing cutoff denim shorts & watching m.tv
Joseph was called a just man & even though his fiancee was pregnant before he ever touched her he was willing to not subject her to public embarassment. Now that I can easily apply to work. Since I moved to the US last year, I have found the american brand of office politics to be at a really advanced phd-type level. And often have i been a victim & sometimes i find myself wanting to respond in kind with some vindictive act of public embarassment against my tormentors. That is not of God & definitely will not glorify Him. Now alll i need to do is keep remembering that and remembering Joseph.
and talking about Joseph, he was a great parent. He was willing to rearrange his life & lifestyle to ensure the safety of his child. (moving from a prominent city to one that was looked down on just so the family will be under the radar). He came from a long line of men who had learnt to hold their heads up inspite of the "questionable females" in their gene pool in a culture that was very gene-conscious and would have imparted his child with the same confidence. Makes me think of my legacy for my children. Some people want children so the children can bring something into their lives that will "complete" them, & some people want children that they as parents can bless & teach to be complete human beings. I pray & I know I must fall into the later category.

to paraphrase a great president, "ask not what your children can do for you, instead ask what you can do for your children"

my 10 cents for the day. have a good one!

express yourself

2007-11-04T00:37:00.000-05:00

without actually signing up for nablopomo, i am trying to be a more consistent blogger this month but thats not working out so well.

Checking up on Mony today and her boy is doing really good and she's given up on expressing. ahh i fear i may walk that route myself - cross that bridge when i get to that river. With my 32a boo.bs, i never assume that i would be a full-powered milk factory for a growing child. Moreso if i have the twins i'm planning for. moreso if they have their father's appetite. Definitely no way if they have their father's appetite :) No dreams of breastfeeding in graceland. no siree. Good nite

IVF diary page 1 CD7

2007-11-01T09:53:00.001-05:00

So far so good I'm having an unexplained blast. My introverted side has just invaded my virtual life so i'm feeling rather reticent right now. (i'm not sure of the meaning or spelling of reticent but it looks like a good word)

Yesterday was

1 baby aspirin,
1 prenatal vitamin with stool softner
1 bcp pill,
12 minutes on the bicycling machine thing in the gym (yey!!!!!),
1 missed yoga session,
3 day spas with no open massage slots for the weekend :(
lots of facial hair aka lady beard & moustache & scraggly brows
a nail in my rear tire - referring to my automobile not my tooshie
weighing in at 140lbs vs 120 lbs this time last year & 95lbs this time 3 years ago.. Finally in normal wgt zone after 3 decades spent in underweight land. This calls for celebration & a wardrobe audit. :)

so much for not feeling chatty. I could go on and on and on but its time to get ye ole rear tire patched up.

insanity is not an option

2007-10-29T12:52:00.000-05:00

This post has nothing to do with insanity - i think. Well first of all, i got out of bed & exercised today. Yep, am turning a new leaf. Actually skipped for the whole of 3 minutes, got out of breath & tried 10 crunches. Its a really mini step but i'm proud of myself. Now i just have to keep it up.

there's this saying that goes something like it's madness (or foolishness) to keep trying the same thing & expecting a different result. This came up in a recent conversation with my BFF around the general topic of men we married & marital strife. Same thing that applies to relationships applies to conception for me i guess. As mentioned severally, i've been mentally resistant to the thot of IVF but if clomid, injects & iui have failed, why am i pushing the "door open" button repeatedly and hoping the elevator will move. It won't!! (Except there's an error in the program and i would much rather prefer not to be in it then). So yeah i'm psyching myself up to mentally welcome the IVF process.

Have to run to clinic now with a full bladder for mock retrieval & transfer. later

ivf diary page 1 - 795

2007-10-26T17:11:00.000-05:00

i had my ready-to-start-ivf u/s & bloodwork on wednesday. U/s looked good & i donated 7 test tubes of blood. I am so proud of my veins...they came through this time. Got a call from nursie later that my progstne level was high. How high you may ask - 795 instead of 75. 10 TIMES?! now thats something. i don't know what it is but its something. So i went back for a new test today and level is down. I forgot to ask what it was down to but its down. So now I'm ready to start

cit.racal prenatal vitamins
baby aspirin
bcp

Let the pill popping begin.

ok so i check the progstrn level on dr google and apparently I'm guessing that must have been 79.5 & not 795????? confused.

10 days

2007-10-22T14:43:00.000-05:00

it's official. my 10 days of pro.metrium induced daze have come to an end. I am now officially waiting for AF to show up & declare the official commencement of my IVF cycle. I'm not reeling over with excitement right about that.... i look in the crystal ball and I see credit card debt & no tax relief. Thanks uncle Sam, it was a pleasure labouring for you. When I wisely chose my high-deductible healt insrnce last year, I know nothing about US health insrnce & coverage and such. I figured out I would have a set of twins in the bag & mr insurance man will take care of fertility treatment, hospital fees, childbirth, vaccinations and such. Smart, smart, very smart! Puts a new spin on the cliche "counting eggs before they hatch". These eggs all broke.

I'm sure i had a loftier purpose for starting this post other than to gripe about med costs & taxes but I can't fully remember right now.

Ah yes, the big I & preparing for it. What am i "thinking" of doing so far?

hook up with a yoga studio & find my zen
indulge in celebratory wine drinking as I may have to take a 9 month break (its really funny, i've gone for months with no more than a sip of wine but when I think i can't have it, then I want it. i'm very human like that, if you want me to crave something, just tell me I can't have it)
crunch my waist into shape once AF shows up. I've been using possible pgncy as an excuse to get out of shape. & a pg-looking waistline with no actual pg is just not going to cut it again. I've outgrown the waistband of every outfit in my closet that is spandex-free and yesterday, i wore a jersey dress that emphasised the obvious and had me walking around holding my breath. For the most part, I'm not physically vain but I am a 32A bust (special shout-out to victoria's se.cr.et. thank you for giving me a cleavage on my wedding day). A 30in waist underneath a 32A pair of ???? grapes(?) is in my opinion inexcusably unfeminie except you are pregnant or pre-puberty & i am neither right now so.....CRUNCH TIME.

This is what happens when a post is started at lunch time with no obvious objectives. It goes no where fast. Just wanted to give a shout out. I'm still checking you all out through my blog.lines subscription. Its really good. One of these days I'll figure out how to past that on my sidebar. Until then, keep Mony & her little boy Cooper in your prayers (he's my first online "nephew") & say a line for Mary Ellen as well, she's got some good news to share.

I hear the sound of rain....showers of blessings are definitely coming our way.

Battle of the Docs: RE vs Dr Goog

2007-10-14T02:23:00.000-05:00

I live in a city with with one fert clinic only & after searching on Sara's blog, I realise that my concerns about my clinic are real & not just the hypersensitive ramblings of a mind that's high on hormones. So one of my many concerns, progesterone administration.

For first 2 cycles, my RE told me (via the nurse) to come in 7dpo and do a blood test. Prog was low so I was put on pro.metrium. Concern #1: I did not have a repeat blood work to see in the oral administration was actually having a good effect on my p-level. If it wasn't, wouldn't it have been good to change to injections or suppositries

On third cycle, RE who did IUI (not my regular doc) told me to get on prometrium 2 dpo with no tests. Somehow I felt better about that. Cuz isnt it better to keep the p level from going low than to have it fall & then take progesterone to increase it.

I confess that i am dragging my feet with IVF cuz i am not so comfortable that I will get all the required attn from my RE and maybe even the clinic. & for $12K? I don't want to fail cuz someone treated me as just a file number & didn't bother to offer a customised solution that would work for me.

Had a pap smear with alternate doc at RE's clinic last week and when i said I hadn't seen a period in 60 days, he said something about RE checking if I ovulated at all or if there a corpus luteum somewhere. Why didnt RE suggest this. I called to say I hadnt seen AF & all I got was a pro.metrium presciption. Why isn't there an interest in the whys? I know that a lot can be discovered from investigative tests but no one seems interested.

Funny thing is I came to the US for medical advancement etc. Here I get regular monitoring and advanced drugs and manage to get a couple of follicles after 20+ days of stimming. Back home, I was on per.go.nal for 7 days and had a fairly good harvest of follies. I think timing of BD was a bigger problem then.

Plus my RE bases treatment recommendations on a chart that shows that after 3 injectible cycles, chances of pregnancy flatten out and need to move to IVF. Isn't that a bit too textbook. I have an engineering background so I know that statistics are just numbers - an average. If the statistic says 3, it could be very easily based on two numbers 0 and 6 - which is a really big gap in terms of numbers of attempts.

I can't change clinics but I am wondering if a change of RE is in order. but then again, you know what they say about the devil you know vs the angel you dont know. maybe i should buy some physician reports online and do some background checks on these guys. It's definitely cheaper than spending $$ on a treatment who's success is jeopardised not by my body, but by my RE. Any advise?

I just don't know. I've been praying that God will let the IVF cup pass over me. I thank Him for blessing me with the mental & financial resources to be able to go through the procedure, but I can't shake off the feeling that its a waste of money. Children are a free gift that God gives to lots of people - saints & sinners alike - and yet I have to make such a huge sarcrifice for the same blessing when I know that He can just speak a word into my life and it will come to pass, regardless of hormone levels & cystic ovaries. I also know that's flawed thinking / faith. I cannot give God a manual on the exact way I want Him to bless me. Children are a blessing & I know that the ability to go through IVF is a blessing as well. There are many women who

do not have the wisdom to know that such an option exists
do not have access to the healthcare system that will enable them to get treatment
do not have the financial resources to pay for treatment
do not have a spouse who will be supportive through this process

I do not fall into any of those categories so I need to count my blessings. All I have to do now is remind myself of how to count. I love you Jesus. Thank you for making me the apple of Your eye despite my messed-upness.

Shedrach moments

2007-09-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you: when thou walkest through the fire, you shall not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon you. Is 43:2

i'm going through Shedrach, Meshach & Abednego season of my life. You know where, God doesn't take away the fire & the flood, but He's in it with you. I think I hit rock bottom & a lot of introspection last month and out of that depth of despair, God has drawn me out. I realized that my anxiety for a baby NOW was more attributable to pride & living up to the "superwoman with perfect life" image than any real disbelief in God's ability & willingness to make me a mother. Admitting that to myself was hard, but when I did, a good 50lbs was lifted off my shoulders.

Do I still devote every fifth thought to my future children? Yes most definitely. But without the desperate despair I previously experienced & now I actually have other things to think about as well like:

organising my fantasy football team
watching arsenal wipe tottenham this afternoon - now that was bring-down-the-house screaming fun
looking forward to enjoying the new church DH found and I attended for the first time today
wondering if & when af will show up and if she doesn't, what it mean? funding plan for ivf or funding plan for my twins? :)

Yeah yeah, I will always be a thinker but its happy thots & God has been and is so good to me. In the words of my new fave song by Chris Tomlin

"How can I keep from singing your praise, how can I ever say enough - how amazing is your love. How can I keep from shouting Your name? I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing."

I hope you all have reasons to sing in your hearts this week. kiss! kiss! & good night

i wish i had more to say

2007-09-06T17:46:00.000-05:00

but i don't. I stopped taking met.form.in bcuz I'm just tired of loose b movements & being perpetually tired & popping pills every nite. So I stopped. Just like that. Last I spoke to doc, she said there was a new good study that put question mark on the age-old theory that met.form.in is the antidote to PCO. I asked her if I should continue & she said the decision was all mine??? Then I asked about the hormone levels from my initial blood test and she said all came out normal. Fine I got the string of pearls ovary but why did she start me on the freaky drug then???

Well anyway, I stopped taking it & I feel liberated. Its been almost 30 days since my expected AF date & the old lady has still not showed up. what to think? I'm about to leave the office. Just thot I'd blog a little.

I just became an aunt to the cutest little girl in the whole world, so come weekend, I'm heading to the noreast to see my new baby. :) :) :) so so excited. There's nothing like a little baby girl. Boys are cool but little girls just milk you of all the love in your heart while they expertly tie you around their chubby little fingers. I'm willing to be tie.d. Ciao!

the blade versus the spec.ulum

2007-08-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

to the left sits sunday's dinner - to be accompanied by a bowl of ice cream, some cornflakes and maybe a plum. :)

My eating habits are obviously not my stong point. I need to change those, I've been researching the topic nutr.tion and ivf. Some interesting things out there. The common thread appears to be eat plenty of proteins for tissue growth. Wait a minute, how did we get to talking ivf on this blog? well a lot has happened in the last one week.

DH & I met with doc on fri to discuss the options & the way ahead. I could go thru the long version of that $80 visit but to summarise laproscopy + stim + insemination or IVF. aka blade vs speculum. Upside-down surgery with gas and a video camera versus more mileage on the stirrup. Whaddya think I'll choose??? I'm going for stirrup mileage so ivf it is. Most likely in oct so I have 60 days to prepare my body for the big I

eat more proteins & whole foods
exercise or yoga?
acupuncture? (i am so freaked out by the thought of needles, that I have mentally written myself a 5 page memo on why I should not do this)
save! save! save! & still take a loan. I'm loooking at the arc.fer.tility programme. Anyone tried that?

so much to think about, so little time to sit and eat popcorn with chee.tos and animal cracke.rs and pretzels. sigh!! I am actually having a good day! good night.

today in the news

2007-08-19T13:51:00.000-05:00

right alongside the stories of the identical quadraplets born in canada without any fertility drugs (gasp!!!) and the identical triplets born in Austria is this story of an MSNBC correspondent on drawing the line in her fertility treatments & quest to start a family. That seems to be a recurring theme of late. Que pasa?!

its a quiet day. I'm still debating acupuncture. To prick or not to prick, that is the question.Should i go into the acupunture thing or just stick to massages at the spa with all the nice smelly stuff. As with everything else in hurricaneland, the options are not many. So far i've seen just two acupuncture places, same as two fertility clinics. There are no multiple choices in hurricaneland.

thankful

2007-08-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

today, I am especially thankful to God for the blessing of the internet. That I can get on it and access resources and read blogs. I'm the silent reader on a lot of blogs, but lately I have discovered the blogs of women living, loving & crying through life while proudly proclaiming their christian faith and reaching for the mark of the high calling.

i refer to myself as a "push-to-start" christian. I've had a lot of starts in my journey and obviously that means a lot of stops. IF has shaken my faith (through my thoughts & the comments of "people"), intensified my guilt and in all this, remphasized to me the Person of God that I seem to have lost sight of.

Our righteousness is like filthy rags in His sight. Who am I to think that the sins of my past are the cause of my IF. Nothing I do can merit God's blessings. I am a child of grace living under mercy. Always have been & by His grace always will be. To think that if I pray harder, act nicer, spend more time in church, I will earn a baby from God is plain foolishness. While those things are desirable for a closer walk with God, He is not a computer program where you input A + B and get C. Ramble Alert: I'm rambling

I've had a close FM offer to have me talk to their deliverance pastor as my childlessness appears to be a spiritual problem to them. that hurt & i felt insulted. and in the midst of my hurt, i realized that I had pride & rebellion issues to deal with. Isn't it funny how when people hurt you and you take it to God secretly hoping He'll side with you and have some lightning strike them (not dead but at least an uncomfortable zing) and instead He reveals your flaws and shows you what you need to change in you... I also recently heard the phrase "you say you've been praying but i wonder about your faith since u r not pregnant yet"

Is my faith shaken? constantly! But i thank God for His word that tells me we've all sinned and fallen short of His glory. All that we have is strictly by the blood of Christ and His constant intercession for mercy upon us. I am happy for the woman who considers that she got married at the right age, had a baby by her first wedding anniversary and a second one 18 months later. Its the stuff fairytales are made of. I'm happy she will never understand what I am going through because she will never be in my shoes or know my pain. I am bewildered that she considers her "perfect" life evidence of her faith and my "child-deficient" life evidence of my spiritual failings. I'm shaken but desperately clinging to what i know of God by His word & not my emotions.

I believe in the sun - even when it does not shine.
I believe in love - even when it is not shown.
I believe in God - even when He does not speak.
~inscription found in a jewish bunk house in a Nazi concentration camp at the end of WWII.

four things + a new day

2007-08-17T15:16:00.000-05:00

a lot has happened in the last one month. In summary, I stim, ovulated & bled. :( hmmn! i wonder how that would look on a tshirt and who would buy it?!

I am too tired to rant. I am just discovering new levels of self-assesment & introspection (is there a word like that). I know when I become a mother, I am going to be so wonderful and patient. At this rate, i don't have a choice. Patience is going to be my middle name. Tuesday is my wedding anniversary....i'd like to be happy on that day. happy & carefree.... that's my goal right now. On a brighter note, TGIF and i will celebrate that by doing the four things thing

Four Things about Me

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. well engineer

2. financial audit associate

3. lab rat

4. volunteer magazine editor

Four places I have lived:

1. Lagos

2. Port Harcourt

3. Liverpool

4. NOLA

Four TV shows I like to watch:

1. Law and order SVU

2. Top chef

3. House

4. Cosby show

Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Paris

2. Amsterdam

3. London

4. Aberdeen

Four of my favorite foods:

1. cherries

2. kloindjike ice cream bars (the chocolate coated vanilla ones)

3. hot starch with vegetable soup

4. most shrimp & snail dishes

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. physically fitter

2. shopping in dubai

3. vacation

4. fast forward to a house with a big yard and my boisterous troop of children & dogs

Four places I like to shop:

1. Off 5th avenue

2. t m lewin

3. Express

4. marshalls with mega shoeshop

Four friends I think will respond: this blog's too private for that :)

i wish i had more to say but i'm still a bit dumbfounded and in shock. This was the cycle that had all the makings of a miracle, I stimmed for shorter time, had my biggest follie ever and did IUI. even noticed a raise in my temp post ovulation, felt implantation (?) pain 7 dpo (i guess that must have been gas). everything was perfect except the result. I know i need to let go and let God but I am trying to fathom what that will entail. Passively waiting to see what life with throw at me or passionately chasing every fertility option knowing fully well that nothing's going to happen until the appointed time. But then again, my life is full of testimonies of God's perfect timing. "Wait on the Lord, be of good cheer, do not despair and wait on the Lord" I know I have to wait, I am just trying to figure out how.

cohabitating with AF

2007-07-12T14:13:00.000-05:00

One thing I really love about the fer.tility blogs, is that I get to know I am not alone in anything going on. There's always somebody somewhere who's done the same thing before and for that, I am really grateful to the women who make a special effort to put in details that the rest of us can use as a reference for what constitutes "normal"

enough rambling. Lets get to the main point of this post. I had a couple of humoungous cysts after my last stim cycle & doc put me on BCP for 2 weeks and had me return for U/S on monday. I actually started spotting a week into the BCPs and after monday's U/S, I started 1.75vials of menopur on tuesday (i feel like a nobel-winning scientist everytime I delicately attempt to meter exactly 0.75mls of liquid into the syringe) - rambling again....... back to the topic at hand. On tuesday I went from spotting to little-less-than-period volume of AF. Panicked for 48 hours and then called clinic. Spoke to the nurse & she assured me it was normal. So I just wanted to get the word out

yes you can start stimming after just 14days of bcp and stim day 1 = CD1
yes AF & Mrs Men Opur can live in the same house

If you've gone thru same protocol and experienced something different, pls let me know so I can go back to panic mode. ciao!!

& exchange it someday for a crown

2007-06-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

I stumbled upon an excerpt of encouragement on A's website yesterday and what a blessing that has been. Its an adaptation on Hebrews 11 & I just stole the excerpt, changed it to my name and pasted it on my bathroom wall. I have been so blessed by it. In reading it, I made the shocking discovery that I have not thought of calvary and the cross in a long time. i have pinned my proof of God's love on His willingness to give me a child & had forgotten that even I have nothing else, I have salvation and the hope of glory. I have been so myopic....

"on a hill far away stood an old rugged cross, the emblem of suffering and shame
and how I love that old cross where the dearest and best for a world of lost sinners was slain.
so I'll cherish the old rugged cross, till my trophies at last I lay down.
I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it someday for a crown" :)

In other news I did not get drunk last night. I've never been able to pull that off. I did however have a glass of red wine which gave me the same woozie effect like pro.gest.rone pills do but then i was scared to take my metformin for fear of adverse reactions and all.

CD2 ultrasound today & two cysts the size of mature follie are sitting comfortably as you please on my ovary.So no stimming for another 2 weeks at least. Down but not out. Dejected but not defeated. and now these three remain, faith hope and love......... i believe in a just and merciful God who knows me and has great plans for me....so I have the hope for a great future that will prosper me and bring me to an expected end......and His love for me is not a function of the number of children i have (not) produced in 3 years of marriage, its in the fact that He gave His only begotten son to die that I may have life here & in eternity. Pls remember this my soul.

to rant or not to rant...that is the question

2007-06-22T13:12:00.000-05:00

sigh! sigh! sigh!! this was the cycle where i did everything right. Drank lots of water. Cut off coffee totally. didn't stress out over anything. kept cool. took my vitamins regularly. had well timed and executed BDs. good sized follies. stopped blogging so I wouldn't devote so much of my thots to babies and lack thereof. but still, AF showed up in all her glory. i've gone from rage to despair to defiance to resilience in the last 18hours since the toilet paper whistled.

am at work right now so fairly distracted but everytime i think of my twins who won't be here for xmas 07 or easter 08 it seems, i get pretty dejected. my defiance made me want to skip starting another cycle but Yam thinks we need to forge ahead and not give in to defeatist thots. its hard. really hard. i've become so withdrawn from parents & MIL. Everytime i call them, the unasked question sounds louder than the conversation itself.

I'M JUST SO TIRED!!! i'm going to get soooooo drunk tonight, & probably every nite for the next one week if i discover an alcoholic drink that merits my nightly devotion. God has blessed me so much this month. I got three unexpected refunds that just made my heart glad and felt like God kissing me on the cheek and telling me even though I don't have the exact specs of what I'm askin for, I'm still His special little girl. Why does this always have to cloud my view of my blessed life.

i think .............

Imagine me.

2007-05-30T10:25:00.000-05:00

This is one on the songs on my wake-up playlist. Kirk Franklin is blessed. It speaks to my spirit (and to Yam's) in a way only a song written by the Spirit of God can.

"Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin
Imagine me - Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
Imagine me - In a place of no insecurities And I'm finally happy cause I
Imagine me - Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me, Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said And healed from what my daddy did And
I wanna live and not read that page again

Chorus:
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...Imagine me
I admit (I admit Jesus) it was hard to see You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...Imagine me

Being strong, And not letting people break me down, You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has to live afraid, Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?
Letting go of my past And glad I have another chance And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

Chorus.....

Kirk talks:

This song is dedicated to people like me, those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem. You never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough but imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now....

Gone, Gone, Its’ Gone, All Gone
Every Sin, Every Mistake, Every Failure Its’ All Gone!
Depression... Gone! By Faith... It’s Gone
Low Self Esteem.... Halleluiah! Its Gone, All Gone. It’s Gone
All My Scars....All My Pain...It’s In The Past....Its’ Yesterday...Its’ All Gone
What Your Mother Did....What your Father Did.... Halleluiah! Its Gone, All Gone,It’s Gone

Those last words touch me the most, cuz we all have something we've forgiven or will need to forgive our parents for. And despite all the time, money & heartache we're spending trying to have out own children, when we do have them, we will unwittingly leave them with scars they need to forgive us for. God help us. Only by His grace.....

Communications expert

2007-05-29T09:29:00.001-05:00

Back from the clinic and once again, the follies are playing the magic number game - with the magic number being 10 - 10 being the size they get to and decide to take a vacation without responding to emails, phone calls or meno.pur

*****************************************************

I was on ME's blog on friday and she was talking about communicating with DH. I guess that's an issue thats easier for some and a walk on eggshells for others. I gave her some "words of advise" and shortly afterwards, yours truly wanted to have a cycle-related discussion with Yam over the weekend. Since I'm giving advice on other blogs that should make me some sort of expert communicator right?! BAH!

Conversation exploded like an egg in a microwave (just in time for the BD that preceeds mucus test too) Uterinus law is definitely proven for us over and over again. I went from blubbering on sunday night to fuming on tuesday morning. sigh!

there's been a small voice in my head telling me lately to enjoy this child-free moments cause they'll be over soon and I may not get them back for another 2 decades. :)

Picture Page - Thanks JJ

2007-05-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

JJ had this fabulous idea for a picture page on her blog and I think I'm going to do the same. Work's still a bit hectic so I haven't had time to blog or surf but I'll catch up this weekend and start my pic.page. That so exciting, I just need to figure out how its to be done.
This is what Reproductive Jeans said (almost word for word)

Since many of us are finding refuge in blog land and wish not to share our personal information (picture of our faces/spouses/partners/pets etc) this picture pa.ge does not have to be that personal. But it can be if you wish. You can designate which you prefer when you take on this little project.

What I am asking to build my Pic Page, is that you comment on this entry and ask me to take a picture of something in my life that you might like to see: examples being my closet, my favorite pair of shoes, my laundry room, inside my fridge, the view from my front door. Then I will have a nice post of pictures from what each person has asked to see. Make sense? They are silly little things, but the little things are what count right?Feel free to post this in your blog! This won't have to be a 'tag' game--you just simply ask your readers to help you create a Pic Page!

So now I'm going to start revealing titbits of myself in pictures :)

equilibrium

2007-05-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

hmmn!! what to say? I am in a state that Yam frequently refers to as equilibrium....trying to maintain an emotional balance and nothing phases me. What's the effect of that? well i went to the clinic yesterday and U/S showed the usual "slow" progress in follie development. Well this time 60 or so odd days ago when I got similar news from the clinic, i drove to the local pharmacy and had a 30minute bout of hysteria in the car park. Called up my best friend's older sister who talked me through it and gave me James 1 vs 2-4 as encouragement. In my drive to get an outlet, I also started this blog. phew!!

Fast forward to yesterday when I get the similar news, what did i do? i pondered it for approximately 15 seconds, went to the reception to finish reading all the gossip mags I was perusing before going in for U/S. Didn't give it another thot until nurse called and said bloodwork shows low levels of whatever. I spared that 2 minutes to wonder if my increase water intake (as part of my drinkwater month) could actually dilute hormone levels in my blood. Doesn't make logical sense to me so off I skip into the sunset.

As the prayer I had on my bedroom wall as a teenager says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference". Right now I'm just walking the tightrope of serenity, courage & wisdom & honestly, not stressing out is a lot more fun than stressing out.

my daughters' inheritance Part 1

2007-05-20T19:59:00.000-05:00

I had a series of unfortunate turnaround events this weekend to cap off my lovely?! friday.

so, the clinic calls in more meds for me and I got a call from the pharmacy on friday afternoon that they will be making the delivery on saturday for an extra charge of $27.

Dumb decision 1: I told them don't bother, I have enough meds to last me till monday

Dumb relisation 1: I thought I had 2 vials of menopur stashed in office for one of those days where I work late, but after checking every drawer and file - No Menopur.

Dumb realisation 2: Before driving home, I checked my glove compartment, trunk, under the driver's seat - No Menopur

Dumb realisation 3: I got home and checked all the bathroom cupboards, my closet, all handbags, and the trash cans where i had just disposed of medical paraphinelia - No Menopur

Dumb realisation 4: No matter how i try to do the maths, I cannot create two 1.75vials of medication out of 3 vials.

Dumb realisation 5: 1 am 1 vial short. PANIC!!!

Saturday

Possibility 1: Call the clinic and ask them to order me one vial from local pharmacy - clinic closed and receptionist advised calling pharmacy

Possibility 2: Call the pharmacy and ask them so ship overnight so I can receive on sunday - meds package already shipped BREAK OUT IN SWEAT!!

Possibility 3: Pick up package from Fedex sorting location - Package can't be isolated from monday delivery batch! VERY BAD HEADACHE WALKS IN HOLDING HANDS WITH EXTREME PANIC

Possiblity 4: Look for an online pharmacy that will deliver overnight without presciption - yeah right!

Possibility 5: Look for someone else who no longer needs her meds - Found in the NE & by the time they get my email, it will be sunday morning (ps by the time I got to Possibility 5, it was 6pm on saturday)

Possibilty 6: Look for someone with excess meds located in Hurricaneland - found but not online and no guarantee when they'll se my email

Possibility 7: Look for someone with excess meds located in Hurricaneland with a phone number listed - found 2 but both had already sold :( DESPERATION SETS IN!!

Last grasp attempt aka Possibility 8: Mention to second source that I need just one vial - she still has a vial left YES! YES!! YES!!!

I drove down sunday afternoon and picked up the vial plus I made a new friend in the process. EXTREME SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT!!

My life was seriously changed when as a teenager, I read Robert Schuller's "Tough times never last but tough people do". In summary, it tells you to have a dream and think of 10 ways to fulfill it no matter how dumb some of the options may be... your mind will be opened to things you will otherwise not have thought of and you'll be surprised what you can achieve. I defaulted to practicing this from then and the other name for "possibilty thinking", is FAITH.

I have faith and that's one thing i will like to be able to pass on to my daughters. That if they can dream it, they can be it & have it. On a day like this, I really am proud of my strength of resolve as a woman, and I think having daughters with that same strength can only make the world a better place.

Peace Out!

vote: what constitutes a bad day?

2007-05-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

what constitutes a bad day in graceland?

the friday of a week you've already worked 12 hour days and will be doing the same over the weekend?
having your car rear-ended
expending 3 bottles, 2 needles, 3 skin punctures in 30 minutes getting blood drawn from your "tiny" veins
checking follicle sizes and realising they are almost the same size as they were this time last cycle but your on 50% more meds
having a serious hunger headache and wondering if i can't even feed myself properly, how do I intend to nourish my child/children when I'm pregnant and who's gonna be making the family breakfast as they grow older

well for you oh dear lucky guest at my pity party, you may choose one option. for me, its all five and the worst part is I'm so physically, mentally & emotionally drained, i don't give a hoot. all i need is a massage and to sleep for 8hours straight without getting any phone calls.

on a positive note, i successfully waxed my upper chin for the first time this week. Others times have been half decent attempts that left me with the black female charlie chaplin look. I'm sure i have much more to whine about but right now. i'm just too tired to type and i'm having to corect os many of my spelling mistakes i know i'm definitely off. so now i'm going to lock my office door and attempt to take a nap and i sure hope its a power nap and i don't droll.

i spoke too soon

2007-05-16T14:13:00.000-05:00

my father told me a long time ago that some things are better left unsaid. its like sometimes expressing your thoughts/dreams gives them life.

you know how i said the injecting was going beautifully? scratch that. last night was hell. Not only did it hurt really badly, but i looked down and noticed that there was a leak somewhere between the needle and the syringe, spilling precious $$menopur$$ all over the bathroom floor. so I removed the needle, fixed a new one and injected in the other side of my poor defenseless stomach. Both injection points bled. I know 2 drops of blood do not a medical emergency make, but still.....

ok from now on i'm going to watch what i say/write.

Becks' post about easter eggs made me remember some old wives tales acutally tie egg consumption with fertility. Well I've been eating a lot of eggs lately :) bad for the cholesterol but I'll take the added benefits if they really exist. I've been research in alternative fertility methods like herbal teas and maybe acupuncture but I have not reached a solid conclusion yet. I don't take coffee and I figured out since I'm a herbal tea junkie, I might as well go for one with benefits I actually need. Can't find any yet.

Houston we have a problem

2007-05-14T17:59:00.000-05:00

so I went to Houston on saturday for cousin's graduation in U of H. My first live american university graduation ceremony by the way and something totally inexplicable happened. Right in the middle of the hall, without any BCP or injectable hormones, i started slobbering - all orifices in my face were leaking. I can't believe it. When this happened in Feb/Mar, I blamed it on the pills, but this time around I wasn't high on any man-made substance - honestly!

It's not like crying in itself is a bad thing, its a pretty good way to excise your emotions but for someone like me who's spent the last 30 years being fairly unemotional, well its ..... Lets just say I've shed more tears this year than I've shed in the last 29 years combined, and thats saying a lot.

and to make matters worse, i put on the tv while having breakfast this morning and it was showing the last episode of cosby show. Guess Who started slobbering again??? Mrs SuperFertility herself. This is almost creepy.

On a positive note, i think my "there's-life-beyond-IF" philosophy for last month is paying off. I feel so at ease & relaxed with this cycle (hope am not speaking too soon). almost nonchalant actually. No freaking out if i get 1.01mls of solution in the syringe instead of 1.00mls. No trying to measure exactly 1in from my belly button for the injs. No freaking out that when I inject, my left side always bleeds but my right side doesn't. (Freaky but obviously not dangerous.) No wondering if am punching holes in my intestines with the needles. All in all, a really good 2 days so far. Lets hope it stays that way.

I thank God for small & great mercies. I think finally my actions & thoughts are falling in line with my words based on His word. Its not by power and its not by might, but by my Spirit says the Lord. I know the Lord will perfect everything that concerns me in His own special & appropriate time. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen.

My sisters called to wish me happy mother's day. that was so sweet. THE AMAZING POWER OF CAPITALISM. Soon mother's day will become a national holiday like Christmas. (i really miss my rolling of the eyes smiley) :*)

SF vs IF

2007-05-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

so i went to the library yesterday. i'm thinking of getting a dog but i've never had an indoor dog before and I needed some books on different breeds etc. anyho, i was in the library browsing and browsing and I came across this book on pregnancy or IF or something. Since i have recently discovered that i have the ability and the right to read pregnancy related material without embarassment, I took the book to the table and discovered the author's amazing take on PCOS. (its written by a female IF doctor it seems but I can't remember names)

anyway she alluded to a couple of facts

ovarian drilling which involves the burning off of some follicles of PCO women inexplicably gives them higher pregnancy rates.
when PCO women get older and their ovarian functions diminish, they have a higher chance of unexpected pregnancies
and the idea is women with PCO are somehow superfertile. thats right, you heard me - S-U-P-E-R-F-E-R-T-I-L-E - with a capital S. They've got so many follicles that give off some hormone/chemical that suppresses their ovulation, so once the ovarian function is reduced either naturally or by surgical means, PCO women are more pregnancy prone.

I don't know if this is supported by the medical world, but I love it. I've always found IF to be a word with negative vibes around it. But to stand tall and say "I actually have no babies yet cuz my superfertility is suppressing my ovaries" that I can do. I've been walking taller with a spring to the step since yesterday evening because I feel unique again. Superfly. Its amazing how a different take on the same medical issue can affect the psyche but I am rearing to go. This is CD1 and I will be starting menopur on Saturday. :)

By the way, the menopur label says discard unused portion but my doc sometimes has me using half vials and says the unused can be refrigerated and used the next day. anyone doing the same thing? or are you discarding?

7

2007-05-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

7 - number of compliments I got on my new do (which is actually a $15 made in china wig ) from my coworkers yesterday. In a building where 30 people work, thats quite an achievement. :) i really really really love looking like a million dollars after spending twenty dollars.

6- number of days AF spends visiting every cycle since I was 12 yrs old

5 - number of women that make up my inner support / best friend group. 2 are pregnant and i avoid telling them about my gloomy IF world. 1 just had an ectopic pregnancy and had surgery on her tubes. I try to be the supportive friend and not lay my extra burdens on her. Been helping her find out the process for adopting from Africa. 2 are unmarried and think i should relax and just let things take their natural course (this is where i would insert a smiley for rolling my eyes if i had one)

4 - number of haircuts (all bad) that I've had in the last six weeks

3 - number of times i've seen my doc face to face

2 - number of children i want to have with my first pregnancy

1 - number of BCPs left to take.

0 - dollars my insurance will pay for fertility meds

i gave in

2007-05-07T11:39:00.000-05:00

there's this thing i do whenever I'm in a store or mall, i deliberately turn my face away from the baby clothes, baby food, baby books aisle. Cuz the baby clothes are so so so cute and i just feel like shopping and then i mood-swing very fast into "poor me, no one to shop for" mood. But on saturday, i was browsing thru the magazine stall of the local walmart and lo and behold ....3 pregnancy magazines. I hurried away from them and then came back. Cracked a little and did some "Free Readers Association" browsing while I debated within myself the merits and demerits of buying a pregnancy mag. i dont know. its like buying baby things before you get pregnant. is it a good or a bad thing? depends on how you look at it. Is it a declaration of faith that "yes! i know i will need this soon" or is it just hyping yourself with false hope. i don't know and I'm learning to accept the fact that not every question in life has a rational answer.

anyway, after 20 mins of meandering, i gave in and bought the magazine. it was really nice too. i guess there's a part of me that wants to act less worried than I am and put on the air of am not really freaked out that I dont have a baby yet. Cuz i kept the magazine face down and hidden under the dining table. I didn't want Yam to see it. I know no matter what he says, or how he says what he says, just having him see my pregnancy magazine will not have a positive impact on me.

We went to church yesterday and the pastor was speaking about Jesus being driven by the Spirit into the wilderness. She went on to say we are all driven by different things - money, power, needing a spouse or needing a child. She definitely spoke to me. Sort of put in words what I know God has been trying to direct me towards. As much as I want a child, I cannot let that be the primary focus/driver of my life because I am defined by so much more than that. I am a daughter, sister, in-law, wife, friend, investor, employee and just basically a good woman. A good person who has a lot of good to offer the world. I am short-changing my self by having a narrow vision of what defines me and makes me a "success". I know that over the last 3 years, I have let IF slowly erode my self-esteem to the point where i look at who i was 5 years ago and who I am now, what I've achieved by God's grace within that time span and how little i feel despite my achievements.

Hmmn! now that was a white couch moment there.

On a lighter side, my SIL is begging me to have a baby fast so she can have a ringbearer or little bride for her wedding in feb 2008 :)). ah well, i can only try!