Still standing

Hi all. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me. I'm doing pretty good, lurking on a lot of blogs, following your stories keenly and wishing you nothing but the best. I may not be blogging as I used to but this community & all the friends I made are never far away from my thoughts & prayers. Just thought I'd drop a line to say thank you & may the Lord perfect all that concerns you & yours in Jesus name. Amen.

Happy hump day. :)

Summer of 2008

Summer of 2008 is over in less than a week. I started it with a die hard spirit that I was going to enjoy life through a different set of eyes and I did. All the graduations and family reunions in May were a real breath of fresh air. In the midst of that, DH and I agreed that our next IV cycle will be strictly between the two of us and God; just because..... and yes, that exclusion included this blog, so confession time - I have had an IVF cycle. My best stim cycle ever.

1. Stimmed for 21 days
2. Egg retrieval was aparently quite eventful. I started snoring midway through and had to be "knocked out" a little more. Ended spending an additional hour in recovery.
3. 18 eggs retrieved, 14 fertilized. 9 available for day 3 transfer with questionable quality. Transferred 6 and the 4 leftover didn't make to to freezer quality on day five
4. I'm giving myself PIO injections, how gangsta is that
5. Work colleague using same clinic informs me they have a BFP with twins... I'm dreaming of playdates. (one twin didn't make it)
6. 20th of August: 2ww is over. POAS. I see one pretty pink and one "is that pink?" line. Go in for Beta. 36 is the number. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. This is the best anniversary present anyone could wish for
7. 22nd of August: Beta number 2 = 45 Not good
8. 25th of August: Beta number 3 = 25 Really not good. Praying for an outright miracle
9. 27th of August: Beta number 4 = 10. That sucks

I was a pregnant woman for a couple of days and oh the castles I had built in those beautiful days. I feel awful. Even before my beta news, I've been reevaluating blogging because its been therapeutic but I also find that it's also made me lose my innocence and naivete. I wish I didn't know about all the things that can go wrong in the process of babymaking but now I do. TMI. I'll miss the company but at this stage I'm not sure if I will continue updating this blog or reading others. I'm praying for you guys & really looking forward to hearing the stories, sharing the joys & comforting in the pain but I'm not sure if that is a path to continue on. I've already become so jaded about the process, I don't want to become even more so. It's hard to exercise the innocent faith of a child and believe the possibilities when your natural mind is so full of scientific facts that all point to the road "Impossible". I need to revaluate the higher purpose of this blog & if it doesn't have one, it's got to go.

So that's summer of 2008 gone. At least now I know exactly what being pg feels like. (I think). In all my prayers, I always felt in my heart that the breakthrough that I need from God was getting pregnant. Didn't think that staying pregnant was on the list as well. Have a good night & God bless

On the news tonight

A couple of news items have forcefully yanked my attention lately & I just fee the need to share

1. Sue your RE for success. My opinion of this woman / couple ranges from "moron" to "really silly moron"
2. Putting your money where your (trash talking) mouth is , or maybe not
3. Standing angel. You may find it a bit morbid but I really like the attitude. It's like "I'm still standing y'all"
4. "Stillborn" baby found alive in morgue fridge dies. Excuse my french but WTF WTF WTF are you kidding me? I'll go postal on someone if I was the mother
5. This is not really news but you have to check out this picture, it is so cute (okay I'll include a spoiler, it's 2 sets of triplets and a set of quads born in the same hospital around the same time having a playdate).

I must confess that my blogland character has been more lurker than blogger but... I'll be back someday somehow & really missing Alison. I hearted her but I really understand her decision. Like Ecc3:5 says, "there's a time to embrace and there's a time to refrain". In taking our IF struggles online (via public or private blogging) we encounter a beautiful support group that guides through the darkest of the dark times. The trick is balance. Sometime blogland comes to take the place of real life interactions and a lot more emotional interaction is done online at the expense of our real life relationships. For me I found that blogging at different times has been therapeutic, obsessive & even a little destructive. What I've tried to find is balance & peace & the ability to share both in my blog & in real life. My 2 cents, if no one in your life knows some or all of what IF is taking from you but everyone on your blogroll does; it's time to step away from the keyboard & reconnect with RL & find a balance. I know I had to do that. Lest I continue rambling, I SHALL step away from the keyboard now.

no cupcakes :(

aargh! it appears cupcake was shooting a night scene and there was no way I was going to turn my 8-to-5 into 8-to-11 just for a peek. ah well so close but yet so far. I shall comfort myself with the thought that we walked the same lot & breathed the same air (thanks for the positive spin Sara) and maybe even watch reruns of "the rock".

IVF has been in the news for a while. Latest is this. 70-year old eggs nonetheless. No further comment from this end

Have a great weekend.

of cupcakes et al

This cupcake to the right will be shooting a movie in my parking lot today..........(sigh!!!!). I haven't caught a glimpse & I'm already star-stuck. In my dreams, the movie director is so struck by my unique ethnic look that he asks me to be an extra on the movie. Still in my dreams but you know what they say, dreams die first.

So if anyone is looking for me, tell them I'm off to stalk Nicky Cupcake in the parking garage.

I know that I've been a bad, bad, naughty, naughty, bad girl blogger but... nothing new on the IF scene + I've had guests in and out of my house since May which has been really nice & distracting. I promise, if I can get photographic evidence of me plastered sickenly all over Nicky, I shall post. Now if only they can get me a piece of Denzel with a side order of T.Cruise to-go.